Confessions of a.....*confused brain*

Woke up in a weird mood. Its not for the first time I am in a mood like this, yet. Spoke to my best friend after ages last night, for long. We spoke about how happy we are in our own lives, not in touch with anyone but just living life the way we want to, and how much more satisfied we are, keeping the load and responsibilities away from ourselves. Also saw Dil, Dosti, etc (yeah...I really had nothing to do last night :P), nice concept but not made well, there could so much more done to that movie and it could be a hit. Anyway, the point is I feel confused. Many questions troubling my mind.

I know we all have these phases when we are confused, wonder what is the purpose of our lives? But, I thought I had discovered that. I thought I just wanted to be happy and spread positivity in people around me. I do that, but is that really the 'purpose' of my life? I know what I want from my personal life, my professional life - I am not confused about the general questions in life. Its something different. Its something that has been eating me all day. It is something that makes me want to leave everything and get away from life for sometime.

The last time I ever felt something like this, my friends called it 'depression' (I know its not that), just because I would switch off my phone for some days and not want to talk to or meet anyone. I don't feel the need of switching my phone off this time because I neither call nor get calls from my friends. Its not that what you may think...not in touch with friends thing. No...its not that. Its...its...I really want to figure out what?

I am not really feeling pessimistic. I am normal when it comes to work, etc. Its just that my mind is occupied with SOMETHING. What is that something? There are too any questions? Answers...I can not have them because I have no idea what questions haunt my brain. If only I could have someone who could read my mind. If only I had someone who would understand me with a blink of an eye. If only someone just kept a hand over my shoulder and said with true faith 'Do not fear! You will do it.' I have absolutely no idea, why I feel tears rolling down my eyes as I write this post and not feel weird about sharing it here, so openly.

Every relationship is so important in our life. From our parents, siblings, friends to even people who work for you. I honestly come across as someone who is not very emotionally attached to people, but these are things so personal that I do not discuss or share it with myself. I will not say I am always misunderstood, but it hurts when your loved ones and the ones whom you in the least expect to misunderstand your words, taking out different meanings out of it. No no...do not get ideas. No such particular incident is making me feel like this. Its all random. But it really hurts me when I see any kind of riff between any relationship. Happens with everyone and I feel happy about the fact that many of us are strong enough to get out of it. I am one of those. Never having very openly expressed, today I really want to admit, in my life, I have been affected by relationships. I have a strange fascination for understanding relationships, reading them, noticing those two people related and analyzing how relationships are moulded.

I have always believed that I can live alone, and I mean it. I love meeting people, but all temporary. I want to be a vagabond. I want to see life. Find my questions, my answers, clear my confusions.I need change all the time. Does not sound as a virtue, but....and now I get it...I am confused because my deepest desire is something completely different to what I call my biggest wishes. My professional dream is my biggest wish, but my desire to travel, explore and discover is my dream. A dream I want to live. A dream which I am sure, many do dream, but most laugh it off. And the rest are intelligent pessimists, they know it is almost impossible. I am none of those. I am hopeful. I am dreamy. I liked two things in the movie - one, "When you are young, you think the possibilities are endless" and the last line "The fact is - Sanjay is dead, I survived and I am still looking for love." I strongly believe possibilities are endless despite your age,sex,caste,whatever. And I have survived so far, I have to live my dreams and look for answers, my questions. :-) Yes I am smiling. It may be one of the most random posts on my blog, but who cares? I? No! Anyone else? But, do I care about that? No!

People call me selfish, self centered self obsessed. I agree, but is it wrong? My relationships do get strained sometimes because of issues like these, but....aahhh...forget it! I want to move on...I don't want to look back and complaint how I have come so far without the most important people in my life not encouraging me, not having faith in me. Its okay, not their fault, not mine either. I am happy and they are beginning to believe my potential. Its not a low phase of my life, these are years when I am realizing so much, canvassing my life, my relationships, my love, my dreams. I am stepping forward everyday, but am still, why?where? these are questions that haunt my brain, answers..I should be quick to find them too. If from the begging to the end of the post I can find my questions; answers should be an easier and much more calmer task. I love you. (My you is for many people, including you and my life (myself too! ;)) I am not expressive. I want to hug you and tell you - I love you! You are the best that has happened to me. I thank God specially for having you in my life. mwwuuuuaaaah!!

I end this with a smile. Smile forever, it does help!

*I love my new Blah Anthem. :-)*

Chai Time Baqwaas

Enough of my come backs....I disappear and then all of a sudden wake up to realize 'Oh...I got a blog too!'...though mostly it is because I am busy, but I miss blogsphere...my blog friends...their blogs...my blog...everything!! :-( ...Okay...as usual...I am writing on my blog after a long time, so ofcourse I am over excited and like always I HAVE to tell you, how in this absence I had so much to write on my blog but could not due to time constraints (read laziness).

So...finally to something extremely silly as it may seem, but what is it that has coaxed me enough to blog again? Well...stupid 10 day break which sounds only so boring that I could die....have lots of work...which still seems so less compared to the time I have. Anyway....blah blah blah... :P ..... So before I start off with my latest peaceful outing... I'de like to share some random silly thoughts that crossed my mind.

I am very serious about adding a label 'auto ride' to my blog because I travel for over one hour everyday in an auto and that is one time of the day when I find peace with myself....I think...observe...enjoy music...and relax...its 'my' time. Since I get so many random thoughts and interesting observations during that time, every time I write about that particular thought, I'll label it 'Auto Ride'...(Bela is so right....I am so random...I say and do anything...just out of the blue...huh...whatever) Apart from that...I am bored and I have forgotten all that I was about to blurt....oh yeaaah...wait wait....I am a happy person because I am concentrating on my work more than my grad...and I am loving each moment of it. And this brings me to my CHAI TIME!!

I had to write this article on chai wallahs and instead of first visiting the most famous SHARMA ki CHAI of the city, I visited Channilal ki Chai. God Damn!! Honestly, I am not a tea drinker as such (Kashmiri chai being an exception), but sometimes I like it. More than the tasty tea of Channilal (which, according to me is better than Sharma's) that I was served, it was the whole feeling of being there.

I mean...have you ever heard of a chauraha...a four way crossing, in one of the most posh areas of the city being named after a chai wallah? This was more because of his generosity than his tea speciality. Channilal Lodhi served tea and breakfast to government officals in 1972 during some strike which lasted for a good 62 days, for free. He had hundreds of officials coming every morning to his little tea stall, he ran into losses, but Channilal went on to form an unbreakable bond with his people. He still does, which has earned him a chauraha named after him. Though his tea stall has shifted from the CHANNILAL chauraha to a place more peaceful, just a few meters away.

Looking like a typical choti chai ki dukaan, with bun makkhan, samosas and bis-koot, sipping his tea sitting away from the hustle bustle of life, the traffic, away from life seems like the best thing to do after a stressful day. I have never enjoyed tea more than what I did yesterday. It was a peaceful moment. Everyone else feeling the same. I, being the only woman in that place, with a crowd that may not be what we would generally call 'educated and decent', and not even for a single moment did I have anyone staring at me, invade my privacy or make me feel uncomfortable.

Infact, when Channilal came to his shop, I was already sitting, sipping tea, reading and looking around, like time was all mine. His worker told him twice or thrice, 'yeh ayin hai aapse milne ke liye', but he just quietly sat, without coming into my notice and let me enjoy 'my' moment 'my' tea. Spending a few minutes talking to him made me realize how old shopkeepers, chai wallahs gain loyalty, its all because of their modesty, genuineness, love and dedication. How I wish we had some people like that still left in this world, or atleast come to my notice more often. The whole experience feels either like it was a dream or a trip to another planet. I may sound like I am exaggerating, but it was so different from my pre conceived notions of a chai stall. The peace, privacy, chai and relaxing 20 minutes spent there, were blissful. And when Channilal says the secret of his famous tea is just his love for people who come to his stall, and their love for him - you know it is, you know the secret ingredient is the love with which he makes his tea.

This also raises one more question in my mind, why is chai so important for people? Why are they so particular about 'their' tea? They seem to like just one kind of tea, slight difference in the taste of their tea, get ready to face that person's bad mood. Chai connect is funny, amuses me. But I think one more visit to that place and I'll join the 'amusing' league of people, sans the answer ofcourse. :-)

BACK with a BANG!!

Noh..... not me :P ... but Team India!! What a match it was.... not too long... exciting... great players... amazing form.... unpredictable... exactly how an India Pakistan Final is expected to be.

What if we played horribly during World Cup, we have made up for it in 20-20. India played a great match as a team and it also goes without commenting how Pakistan too gave us a tight match. Gul restricting our players and being tough on the 'Blues', disallowing them to reach their target. And those last sixes by Misbah-ul-Haq just changed the face of the match. We could have lost if it was not for Uttapa's catch. It could just be a repeat of the 1981 match...Chetan and Miandad...>>phew<< thrilling..isn't it? Simply crazy how the match went off...and then those screaming faces of the stars of the day flashing on your T.V. screen with the flag...the Chak De star (in his new look)...totally filmy...!!












Two new young teams...new captains...young players...and world cup, what could be more perfect than this? Some great matches through out the tournament, with the best coming, of course from Yuvraj Singh. His six sixes have not only earned him a crore, I am sure more advertisements too ;). And Dhoni in his true 'hero' style played the leader that probably the Indian cricket team was waiting for. Rising like a phoenix, the Indian Cricket Team has proved me and many others wrong who bashed them up just a few months back.

Exactly how I spat all the frustration of the Team's performance last time, I would like to apologize and hug the team (if I could) for the glory and pride that they bring to the country. :D They have played some smooth matches and have had calm wins under extreme pressure. A lot of its credit goes to Dhoni's captaincy, a true leader, whom I am absolutely in love with (again). Modesty, sincerety and hardwork being the best features of his face, it just shows...aaww...I am so proud and so in love with all our players!!

It is for the first time, I find it difficult to express my excitement, guilt and happiness for the team. Excitement...do I need to explain? Guilt...for under estimating them, losing faith in them...and happiness...well...this happiness is like , when you are so happy that all you do is sigh and smile. >>sigh<< :)!

I could not be happier to see the sports scene in India recently...be it the football tournament victory...hockey...or the religion of the country...cricket...we are all in form...in our true player spirits...we are simply here with a bang!! ;)

Can't resist being cliched here....
CHAK DE INDIA!!! ;)

Politician + Puppet = President Patil

The honorary post of the President of the Nation for the first time goes to a woman. Something we all should be proud of, though it took 60 years for a woman to come so far. And in my opinion, undeservedly.

I speak for over 50% of the population when I say, 'Kalam should have been back and I do not like Patil.' The reason why it even makes a difference to the country all of a sudden, who the President of the country is because of Kalam. He raised the standards, made each citizen actually fall in love with him, inspired them and made them realise what a President should be doing. Until Kalam came, not only we did not bother, we also did not know what did we have Presidents for and were confused why The President of America is more important to us than our own President. Probably because, when Bush and Clinton were making big decisions and making America more powerful, our President was relaxing and sipping on his tea in the gardens of Rashtrapati Bhavan.

Rashtrapati Bhavan is not merely an Office of the President. From a common man's eye, it looks like a building of hope and honour. Standing on the crossroad, with Rashtrapati Bhavan on one side and India Gate on the other, I remember that being the most proud moment of my life. Both mean to me. I do not call myself a patriot, but I am definitely extremely proud of my country. But I am also sad, shocked to see President Patil. She does not appeal to me one bit.

How I am left speechless and helpless, when I see a POLITICIAN turn PRESIDENT. And not just that, but to have a President, who has been under the scanner of CBI for a murder case and more. She may not have been involved directly, but she was definitely involved in 'using' her 'political powers'. This, scares me. Will she do the same with her post as a President. Then I realise 'neah', she is a 'Puppet'. Sonia Gandhi, very politically changed Patil's life. (Seems like she is a master of bringing new old haggard forgotten unknown faces to the two top Posts of the Country.) How nicely, she announced Man Mohan Singh as the P.M. and now Patil as the President. Both, being her puppets. Not like I dislike Singh nor do I dislike Sonia Gandhi, but the sole point remaining - IS PRATIBHA WORTH IT?

I still remember that picture of Kalam on the front pages of all newspapers, when he sworn in as the President. There was confidence dripping, a sparkle in his eye and an aura of self dignity around him, that instantly made many of us feel - 'HE IS THE MAN!' And so he proved. Keeping all biases aside, the first day I saw Patil's picture in the papers and on news channels, when she was nominated. I could not even recognise her. Came across as some 'wannabe' politician who is being pushed up by her Party members. Not even today, now that she is THE PRESIDENT, do I feel that she has the same spark, that new energy that Kalam brought with himself. We are back to square one. A new President who shall be remembered by the next generation as ONLY the First Female President of the Country.

Tagged...!!

Okay...so I was avoiding this for some time, but Daman..here you go..finally taken your tag!!

8 frigging things about ME!! This is tough...but I'll try...

hhhmmm...

1) I hate doing this, infact I hate the question itself 'so..tell me something about yourself'...what the hell am I suppose to tell anyone about myself...I really think its a DUMB question...!!

2) I am an extremely closed person...though I am like all 'one should express oneself all the time' and blah blah blah and yes I do scream and shout when I see something going wrong around me. But, when it comes to my personal relationships, I am not very expressive and also am not very easily able to share my personal feelings and emotions with even the 'closest' person in my life.

3) I love arguements...well not literally....as in meaningful discussions...simply love talking about my thoughts and opinions about a particular thing and have others talk about it too...(one reason why I simply love blogging).

4) I have had only one SINGLE crush till date, which lasted for about four months or something, untill I told my best friend about it (and I told her when we came to know he liked her and she liked his best friend...lol(how filmy is dat!!) :P)

5) Because of the above point, my friends and now even my family suspects that I am probably a Lesbian (lol), had to really explain them...I AM STRAIGHT!! (but my friend still thinks, if not a Homosexual, I must be an Asexual then, which I deny all the time despite feeling the same sometimes :P )

6) I am SHOCKED to see my will power these days. There is tasty food around me and I am NOT cheating!!

7) If, while talking to someone, that person says something really dumb or stupid, I find it beyond me to carry on that conversation. Just change the topic and I will still, probably be disinterested. Atleast I won't be all silent.

8) Oh freak!! This one time as a kid, must be 10 or 11, I was bored so called on the random number, like a blank call, and these people on the other line started taking someone's name - as if expecting that person is giving them blank calls. I hung up and then that person called back (caller I.D.s...ggrrr!!). My sister answered and since she did not know what I had done, she was like 'no noone called'. Now, came the worst part, next day this man comes to my house!! (Fudge!! I so hate caller i.d.s!! :X ) and I was all alone, so I like 'stupid babies' started crying and told him I was playing and he was like 'Oh its okay Beta' and left. When Mom and Baji were back, told them the whole thing and that man called again!! huh....and then we came to know that his younger brother actually ran away from the house and that is the reason why they got so worried thinking that it was probably him who was calling!! >>phew<< And yes I swore not to play pranks like these EVER!!(you all do the same, if in case anyone reading this is as stupid as me :P)

Alas!! I am done with MY TAG!! :D And I must admit that I took allot of time to think each point ( told you!! I can never write about myself!!), but I enjoyed sharing it with all of you. Hope I did not bore you and even if I did, you would not be reading this :P .

So...my turn to tag 8 more people...I am sure, most have been tagged already...but anyway...TAKE MY TAG!! Here goes my list...
Tuhin
Ainz
Dimple
Neo
Prince Kazarelth
Nikhil
Harshall
Stoned Grey
*Evil Laughter* ha ha ha ha ha !! Now..lets see...how easy is it for you guys to 'so...tell me something about yourself :P' 8 points!!

Happy TagginG!!

RocK oN!!

Love hugs and kisses to all!!

I AM ALIVEEEE....but YELLOW!!

Alright I know I have been away for over two months now, but that does not mean I am dead. I am very much alive, if only JAUNDICE does not decide to kill me!!

Not like I was toooo busy, but somehow could not take out time for my blog, okay I am horrible, selfish, mean..blah blah blah...okay now shut up and listen!! ( I know I don't talk like this..telling you..its all because of the frigging 'peelya' (yeah...that's what its called in hindi/urdu))

So...firstly SORRY for being away for so long, neither writing nor visiting any blogs. Secondly...jaundice is taking a toll over my brain because of which I for the first time chose to write about MYSELF on my blog.

There was allot that I saw, noticed, realized and wanted to write about...be it about family weddings or strange kids acting too smart...huh...but today I want to vent out my frustrations...my deepest desire on my blog. All I can think about, dream about, see around me, smell around me feel around and the ONLY craving since the past fifteen days is FOR FOOD!! (just told you...jaundice is taking its toll :p )

I am dying to have chicken nuggets...I can actually feel its taste in my mouth, but sadly can not eat ANYTHING for the next two months at least and NO NON VEG for the next 6 fucking months!! And people expect me not to want to have 'samosas' in this rainy season. GOD DAMN IT!! "What is going wrong with you?? You were never so fond of samosas?', questions my mother, and all I can do is lying on my bed, is give her the look that says 'does it matter? I cant eat it anyway, right??'

And to top it all, my Uncle is coming from Sharjah, and I so badly want to ask him to get me 'shawarmas' (it is a Lebanese dish/snack...whatever), but ha ha...can I? NO!! Oh...my college is also re opening next week, and the ONLY reason I survive in that sickening college is because you get awesome food in the canteen, but then yeaaaah...shit happens...:X!! And if you thought, my unfulfilled cravings is the only reason why I crib, how about having your birthday in some days and NOT BEING ABLE TO PARTY!!gggrrrr......

My food cravings are endless...can go on forever. But I hope, that this outrage may help in making me feel any better and little less restless and hungry and greedy for wontons, rajma chawal (kidney beans with rice), kebabs, sheermal, wine, and yes I can still go on....

I have always loved fresh juices, but not anymore, have had enough for the next two lives!! Though, I do get to automatically lose weight, can say 'I am on a detoxifying period' etc etc...but GUYS...FOOD IS FOOD!! isn't it?

I hope and pray with a true heart today, that no one, should ever ever ever get jaundice! JAUNDICE IS FATAL - NOT EATING WHAT YOU WANT, KILLS!!

If you're a Feminist....you ought to be Homosexual!!

Was recently having a casual conversation with a fellow blogger on our very own 'orkut', when, after checking out my over 100 communities she asked if I was a feminist? Well, the answer was obvious with about 10 of my communities dedicated to feminist issues, but I chose not to be direct. I questioned her back on what was her definition of a feminist? "Men sharing a public toilet with women, vice-verse. Equality is what us feminists want, right?" She was right! (not about the toilets, but otherwise) And my next stupid rhetoric question was a predictable one with an equally predictable answer, "I'm a feminist too." She continued the conversation, "I came across this book that quoted how people felt feminists were usually lesbians. And how they were usually into dark elements and blah :P
Its quite stupid come to think of it. Are all politicians homosexual in that case?" This question left me feeling good, 'so I am not the only one, who faces the 'you are a lesbian' s***.'

Come to think of it, I can understand the logic such zanies come up with. Maybe they think that a woman feeling so strongly for another woman, standing up for her justice, her rights, being so emotionally charged for, without even knowing her most of the times, could make these buffoons think of such deep aggressive feelings turning sexual as well. I am not against homosexuality, I respect all sexualities with a true heart.

Understanding the logic behind lesbians, I come to gays. There are many men, who are feminists and trust me I do not look up to them as 'Oh My God!! Look at him...he is a man yet he is standing for feminist issues..blah blah blah' (yeah right!!...huh!) Why should one look up to a man like this? Why is it treated as a BIG DEAL for a man to be sensitive? And if he is, ha ha.. 'HE IS GAY'...now here is where my key question lies....Women feminists becoming lesbians, I have sadly managed to stoop myself low enough to understand the probable cockamamie system of logic behind that. But on the grounds of the same logic, how do 'sensitive male-feminists' become gays? If they are 'feminists' then gays????

Strange are the ways airheads think! I am sure there are people who may go to the extent of insulting these men by saying their usual 'saalon ne choodi pehan ke rakkhi hai....namard saale!' If there are many of you, nodding your head in denial, take a reality check, we still have people who talk like this, think that way and force me into discovering a harsher term than 'MCP's for them.

I have written this in my earlier post on 'feminism' ( http://nabilazaidi.blogspot.com/2007/03/what-women-want.html ), that why would one celebrate only 'Women's Day', why not a 'Men's Day' and the answer to it is simple, 'Men do not have breasts!' If I go on to elaborate this statement of mine in connection with women related issues, the post shall be never ending. But then, I am still left unanswered with an intelligent reasoning for feminists being homosexuals, be it a man or a woman? Why should being sensitive be classified as 'gay' for men, and for women, 'oh it is natural' WHY?? Being hypocritical about issues, people, events, behaviours is still understandable, but emotions? All of us have them, we may be blinded by faiths and beliefs that are in real terms non existent, like that of 'MCPs', all that 'men are superior' or even 'do not do this, you are a woman', these are silly beliefs which lead to a thousand sins and increasing female victims.

If some people stand up for these victims, why should the rest be judgemental about it and make personal opinions!! Why should people be opinionated and judgemental at all? Why should a feminist be a homosexual? In a survey on 'Do feminists hate men?', it was found 25% positively agreed and 75% denied. The 25% hating men may not necessarily be homosexuals, but have valid reasons to hate men. There are allot of times when I hate men totally. Yes maybe we feminists do hate men at times, but as you see, most of us (75%) also understand that not everybody is the same, every human is different from the other. When the sufferers are not being opinionated, then why you?

Still a Kid...

Yes I am still a kid no matter how sensible people may assume I am and be mistaken about my maturity...by the end of the day I miss playing in the evening with friends...cycling around the colony with frineds..trying those 'who can take that steep turn on the slopes better' and being 'oh so carefree' and conscious, both at the same time. School, regular attendence, sincerety and seiousness for exams and tests...it is all missing now from life. These maybe things that I can bring back in life. Can I not go and play out now? Can I not cycle now and I am still expected to be a good student, both at home and college. Not like I am not carefree now, I am, but still something is missing?

It was 10 years back when I came to this country, how wonderful and eventful has my childhood been since then. I am sure everybody's has been. And then we all afterall grow up to be mature and sensible indiviuals because of every new lesson we learn from our observations and experiences, and there is more of it to come. But does that answer my questions satisfactorily? Why do I say 'something' is missing from life? Is it the innocense and ignorance? Is this the reason why great men said 'Ignorance is bliss'? But I just learnt 'Ignorance is the biggest sin'...then what is it?

I say I am carefree now, but I know that was not a natural process, it is something put on...I have made myself carefree. I know anything in extremes is not good and I do not remember being too caring about something or somebody too, then why? Is it the 'memorable childhood' that has made me like this? I know my growing up years were not very felicitous, but were they so bad that I would want to ignore every sensitive issue, topic or conversation. Am I afraid about something?

Yeeeaaahhh!! I am afraid. I feel proud when someone calls me brave and level headed, but why such misconceptions? Oh wait! I just forgot... it is the mask, not me. But wait this is tangling my thoughts more. I have always wanted to 'be me' and I know I am 'being me'...then are these two faces of the same person? There are just so many moments when I feel I have too many faces, too many personalities, but later I realise 'NO! It is just ME'.

I know I am not lost in my thoughts, the good or bad events of my life, not blinded by faith of any sort or even confused about people and life. Maybe my buying baloons last night for myself just brought me back my childhood. I just wanted to be the kid again, carefree ( in that way ), ignorant, playful, but sadly I was brought back to my reality too soon and hence this confused frustrated post!! >>sigh<< I am going back to play with my balloons in my lonely room, with no friends and glass tables to break ( I always did that as a kid, specially while playing with my favorite big balloons in the house ;) ). That will take me back where I want to be right now. Will come back to my so called 'aesthesia' when I want to, because I will be me, whichever me whenever I want to be so!

And yes...I am not putting on a mask of any kind, anytime...I was just confused, and now that I have spat all my confusion on my blog and made myself clear, I am off...>>phew<< (what a relief!!huh..) :-)

The Changing Face of Lucknow - Part I

Today is a big day for this famous city of culture, etiquettes and Nawabs. Today is the fifth phase of polling.

Barely 50% voting for the elections this time, but definitely we have had a 100% talking about them, cribbing about the ruling party and guessing the 'next ONE'...Well even I am a part of the other 50%...not voting...cribbing and guessing...Which party, this time has managed to scare the maximum poor souls with hired gunmen into voting for them? Who has managed to lure people with hope with their fake promises and their rattling speeches?Is it the 'Cycle', BSP, Sonia's party or the patriotic party with the national flower??

In my opinion and in many others, it is NOT the 'cycle', Mulayam Singh Yadav, unfortunately will not get much out of the support shown by the Bacchans or Amar Singh. He may have an advantage of Muslim votes, which BJP lacks, yet unsuccessful 'reigning' years in Lucknow has not left the state happy enough to bring him back in power. BJP....hhhhmmm...very successfully won the Mayoral elections, a few months back, but has the C.D. fiasco done any damage? OH hell yes!! In fact I remember reading this interview of Rajnath Singh, where he proudly avers that his party leaders are the only party leaders who have no personal negative records and the very next day in the very same paper the first page was full of BJP's 'Anti-Muslim' C.D.. But I wonder, does it make any difference?? Either way, they did not have much support from the Muslims. Now coming to Congress...ruling the country...but why does it fail to gain enough votes in U.P.? It did give an extremely tough ride to the BJP during the Mayoral elections and losing it with a very thin margin against BJP, but would it win this time? It could and I like that party so it would be great if it does win, after all the only party which has the maximum educated people involved with it, comparably.

But sadly, U.P. elections are usually not very surprising because in the past few years it has been noticed that it has been a Mulayam v/s Mayawati war. They both try and rip off each other every time during elections and the other one is elected. It is like an alternate game between the two. Once Mulayam then next Mayawati and then Mulayam again and then Mayawati...U.P. elections may sound very interesting and important to the country but have been almost stereotyped to the SP and the BSP...So obviously, Mayawati has maximum chances to come back into power, keeping the last few elections in mind. Also, after Mulayam, state folks feel Mayawati is the next best option for them. Where you have a Mulayam, during whose constituency, the crime rate graph increases, with Mayawati in power, you do see a considerable change in terms of safety and security, which is the prime concern of any state.

This was my analysis of the U.P. Elections. Will have to wait and watch, how far have I won in this guessing game... And will the face of Uttar Pradesh change this time??

Team Blue taking a Breather....?

Well...it had to happen, if not today then a few days later, after the official BCCI meeting - CHAPPEL HAS RESIGNED! And come to think of it, most are happy, actually I wonder who is not?

Shot sure Indian Team performance has been in a deplorable state for the past few years now. Looking at their performance profile, one sided-ly, I would blame Greg Chappel for it, for the simple reason that the players are still the same, not much has changed. Captain changed, well...we know why? Thanks to the Ganguly - Greg tiff!

No coach has ever so publicly insulted and spoken about the players and their performances. Was Chappel a good player? Undoubtedly! Did he prove to be a good coach? Certainly not. Leaders and Coaches have a responsibility of giving out the best and unfortunately Team India presented one of its worst (speaking expectantly, specially after their performance at the last WC). Greg Chappel managed to influence the Team quite negatively. It happened from the very beginning, from the very start - I lost faith in him , his coaching abilities from the very day I started reading about his dissatisfaction, unhappiness, relationships with all the players more, than his fresh ideas and plans for the already-one-of-the best cricket teams. He was media friendly but sadly it turned back into his face, giving him as well as the Team a bad image. Sachin Tendulkar, finally decided to come out and speak his mind, though this was not taken in very good taste by the BCCI and the BCCI Secretary went on to say that if he had any problems, he should have come in front of the board and expressed it. I will choose to refrain from comparing and questioning back the Secretary of similar thoughts whenever Chappel did the same, but..huh...anyway. Coming back to Chappel, I lost faith in him not just because he failed to hog the media light positively, but because he failed to influence and motivate his players positively. Like I said, he failed to fulfill his responsibilities entirely.


Sounding too harsh? Want me to be a little generous... well I must say that at least the India Cricket Team got better in its test matches. One days were 'sad'!! Truly speaking, the feat against Bermuda was no feat! Our team was capable of allot more, but the spirit, the want, aggression, the coaching and yes, the captain ship was piteous. I do not intend to blow off the Indian Cricket Team and its associates because they did not perform well. Every team has its 'bad days', but definitely not 'bad years'. ( I tried being generous)

Now, I wonder who will want to come and coach our team. Apart from the bad performance, the whole scene at BCCI, internal politics (which is everywhere but not brought out so openly), etc. does not sound very attractive to any ex - International Player. According to Jadeja, Coaches from overseas have not been of much help to our team in the International Cricket scene and that we should have our own senior players , Ganguly, Tendulkar or Dravid not only lead but one year or two years later when they decide to hang their boots, should go ahead and coach their own team with several new strategies, or as the blogger says, the Indian Cricket Team needs to concentrate more on home matches and gear themselves. Well...both sound amazing to me and if applied might just work, but the curiosity is rising in me and everybody else - Who is next? and also... What is next? Team India - full of surprises!!

Are you in Love.....??

Are you loosing yourself?? Spending too much of your personal time thinking about that 'special someone' , trying to be what he/she would like you as, guessing what he/she likes, dislikes, blah blah blah....Guess what? U R NOT IN LOVE!!

Yes. You are not in love! Not when I think from my angle. We have heard and said it all, 'You should accept the person as he/she is', and gladly there are a few who strictly follow that rule. But, how many of us actually can fight the affects of our 'love hormones'? Most of us can not, hence, this is love!!

And one fine day, you realise, after coming far in your relationship, what am I doing here? What had happened to me? I gave my inner self for somebody? You start missing yourself....you have almost lost yourself! Why? Because we wanted somebody to love us!

We are all hungry for love, then why wait for a special someone and change yourself to love. We know love is not conditional, yet we behave like that. If I ask you right now, who is your ideal woman/man? You will have a ready answer for this. You have already thought of 'what kind of' a person you want, you want to love. Is this not conditional? And then many will say, 'Love just happens'! I question you again, why should it just happen? Why can it not be a part of you? Why do you have to search and wait to fall in love with that special someone? And then we agree that everybody is special in someway or the other. Is this not proof enough, WE ALL ARE SPECIAL! Then why look and select? If you want love, so does the other person. Why can't we JUST LOVE? Why should it 'happen'? Why can't it be a habit? Is it not a part of me? Why, today we look for reasons to love? Why can't we simply be in love with love?

I am in love with love. And yes, it is a very beautiful feeling! It keeps you happy, wanted, loved, satisfied and secure! I do not hope and dream of a 'knight in a shining armour' to come and sweep the world off my feet, but I certainly hope that the world will wake up and realise what true love is? why do we love ? and why do we want love? Love is something which as natural as your daily morning natural callings, reproduction and sex, and all of this is common between the humans as well as animals. So, if you find the answer for yourself, you have found it for the rest of the living world.

I have not found those answers, and do not bother to do so as well, because I do not need answers to explain me love, I do not want reasons and introspection to love. Remember, I am in love and when you are in love, you do not care about the rest. So do I, all I care about is love! I love the pig outside my house, I love my family, I love the man I see everyday at the auto stand, I love myself and yes, I do not scruple in declaring that because loving yourself does not make you selfish or self obsessed, it just gives you more 'reasons' to love (to the ones who reason and love). With reasons or without, just love, because its all we need and it is all we can give to somebody!

So, I LOVE YOU!! and this is all I have. Will you accept and reciprocrate?

What Women Want?

Women's Day is long gone and to the disappointment of many - I neither celebrated the day with Blank Noise Project nor as a woman myself! I was too busy working at a Radio Station for the entire day. It was at the end of the day when I checked my cellphone and found a message from a 72 year old dynamic Environmentalist that said, "Aaj hi kyun? Har din hamara hoga! Happy Women's Day' " that left a smile on my face after a long day of patience and hard work(very little of work though! :P)

I have been celebrating Women's Day with flowers, cakes, hugs, wishes, just like I have been celebrating Valentines Day with my Mother and Granny for quite a few years now, but this time, there was a thought, a thought that made me feel celebrating a Women's Day is pointless if I consider myself a strong individual, a true woman, a feminist! A question that looked for an answer in every line I tried to record sitting in the suffocating studio, every time I sat to write a script, every time anybody tried to wish me and I heard many a girls say the cliched "Aaj to Women's Day hai bhai! Its my day!". The question that kept my mind on a constant run, that day, was strange. I kept seeking for something that may have many women wanting to ignore it and many not wanting to even listen and pay heed to it. Probably because if I asked them, Why is a Women's Day celebrated and not a Men's Day?, it would leave them straining their celebrating minds.

Alas! I found the answer amidst the evening pollution of Hazratganj to Gomti Nagar, sitting in the auto rickshaw, letting the dirty dusty wind blow into my hair and hit my face. The answer was plain and simple - because we have been suppressed. It is a woman who has to wear a veil in Islamic countries to cover herself or rather because a dumb male chauvinistic law says so, it is a woman whose right to self expression is denied, it is a woman who is a victim of rape, domestic violence, 'Sati', dowry, eve teasing, suffers as a widow, suffers a bad image and name if she decides to break the norms set for her and do what she wants to do, say what her head speaks! Hence, a day has been made so you celebrate being a WOMAN! ( read as VICTIM). Its like a day of holiday to a prisoner from the jail. Everybody stands up that day and proudly allege being a 'modern woman' - I work, I handle home, We women are doing industrially, economically well for ourselves, we are standing on our own feet, blah blah blah. Yet when we are back on the streets or rather back to reality, we hear 'Aye haye, kahaan chali madam, zara hamse bhi to baat karlo' at every nook and corner and if these nooks and corners are crowded, you are bound to be pinched, slapped, grabbed and felt.

And reactions? with strong excuses that leave you spell bound coming from these very self claimed 'ultra modern women of today' - 'aaj ki naari', the number of women who may even verbally react to Eve Teasing, is not even a handful. Most women ignore and try to run away from the loathly situation, many do not react because it happens so suddenly to them that they are left numb and shocked and some are scared of the consequences (consequences of speaking your mind??) that may follow their reaction! Not too sure about them but I am certainly shocked, disappointed and forced to wonder - hypocrites, are they??

Sad, extremely sad and depressing to come back to THIS hard truth! Even a Women's Day can do nothing to their inner strength, their impregnable individuality, their eons of confidence and spirit to move forward and be proud of themselves, because ultimately, if not you, but a Zahira has been raped, a 13 year old girl by a bureaucrat's nephew, Gaurav Shukla, Aman Bakshi and Saurabh Jain, the two brats also from influential families of Lucknow. And how funnily, the U.P. State Women's Commission is involved in bribing Zahira's father to 'shut up' about the case and have put the family in a 'protection cell' away from the media till the case is STILL being heard at the courts, because the Chairperson of the 'unregistered' commission which has forcibly taken possession of the case, Ranjana Bajpayee is known to Gaurav Shukla's uncle, former Samajwadi Party MLC, Arun Shanker Shukla aka Anna's family.

With a few friends, together we have formed TEAM 4, a youth association looking into local issues. When we wanted to meet Zahira and looked for her 'protection cell' for over five hours, Madhu Garg, Head of the UPSWC, refused. We all know the matter is fishy, yet nothing concrete is being done. Finally, TEAM 4 has come up with an online signature petition http://www.petitiononline.com/zahira/petition.htmlhttp://www.petitiononline.com/zahira/petition.html , hoping for it to go far away and justice be prevailed, not just for her but for many other WOMEN VICTIMS!

But still, what women want is funny! No wonder men have a hard time figuring out and understanding their own women and I may just join their league too. Such women, who say something and do something else, confuse me, annoy me and make me feel ashamed. But, I am still wondering - afterall, what do women want? what do I want?

Blogathon by Blank Noise Project

Woman's Day is around the corner and I am making all my special plans to celebrate this special day. I am a woman and there is nothing that I take more pride in than being a woman itself. A day to celebrate being 'ME' means way more than celebrating a Valentines Day. I am waiting for this Thursday, to celebrate the spirit of womanhood, and so is the Blank Noise Project.

They are starting a blog-athon on March 8th '2007, and take experiences of women who have been victims of eve teasing, street sexual harassment. I have been, you have been, every Indian woman has been a victim of it. Currently trying to work out a story for a newspaper on the same, it irritates me how so many women do not react to such acts of indecency and indignity. But Blank Noise Project wants to know, "When did you flip a situation so you could resist, when did you give back as hard as you got? When and how did you choose to confront? When did you become an Action Hero?"http://blanknoiseproject.blogspot.com/

So come up, speak up! Be proud of what you are and celebrate being a woman, celebrate being YOU!!

Its a Big P question?

I have exams in a month's time and unlike all my college friends, I am home, not preparing., working on several articles and recently also went for 'Eklavya'. I love the advertisements shown at the time of interval as they give you a longer time to go get your snacks, but this time, I had a dinner to attend and sadly - no nachos for me. Sitting with a grouchy face staring at that huge screen, I saw Amitabh Bachan - no, not as Eklavya, but in an advertisement (advertisement and A.B. are quite synonymous). Strangely or rather not, it was not the Miss. Palampur ad, but promotion, not of a product but of a 'Government Party'.

It had a 6 feet 60+ man sitting in a white 'dhoti' on a 'chaarpai' with a village backdrop and many other 'gaon waalas' sitting and watching television, where a criminal (he was dressed in that black and white striped uniform of the prisoners) is addressing and in that 'typical neta ji' speech is talking of how he would cease crime from the states and the country, when Bachchan very proudly states that U.P. is without crime, to which the prisoner on T.V. changes his statement (lol...very neta ji-ish) and promises to bring it on in the state, and all those 'gaon waalas' start throwing rotten tomatoes and eggs on the T.V.. And then, very gallantly the 60+ 6 feet man looks straight into the lens and says "U.P. mein hai dum, kyun ki yahan hai jurm kam!!" (U.P. is the best state as there is no crime here!!) The best part of the ad is when my grouchy face notices a little cycle sign down left and you realise its BSP!! And I am reminded of a similar hoarding outside my college too.

The elections are coming close and Mulayam Singh Yadav is adopting all possible means to earn as many votes as he can. Lohia Path, a more than 10km stretched path for pedestrians and cyclists; better roads, an ad with A.B., et all. But more than what he is trying to do to gain the votes at the last moment, I can think of reasons to not vote for him - unnecessary interference in the Lucknow University matter, so as to protect the student leaders a.k.a. his party supporters; crime is noticeable (it was after all, under his Governance, when Meher Bhargava was shot dead and the ones responsible for it were friends with Akhilesh Yadav (his son) and many other such cases), irresponsibility in the Nithari case, personal property duprey, etc etc etc. .

Now, what shocks me is not MSY, we all know about him and how horrible a C.M. he always is, who is re-elected. But AMITABH BACHCHAN!! He has been too much in news and that too for all useless and pointless reasons. Be it 'Abhiash's' wedding or a cold war between him and Shah Rukh Khan, and now also 'nomination for PRESIDENTSHIP'. What!!?? Did I read the papers right? Amitabh Bachchan - the President of India?? NO! was my reaction! I loved what Nafisa Ali said "It will be a wonderful disaster". Yes, it will be. Though he personally thinks he is not capable of being a President (I am glad he thinks that way), yet I wonder what was MSY, Amar Singh and BSP( yes once again...its the cycle ) thinking?? Thinking on cheap lines, were they thinking that by nominating his name, A.B. would promote their party name in more of those silly advertisements without taking a crore? or is it the 'Amar - Amit ki yaari dosti'? I am aghast at the mere thought of such a nomination. How can a man, who sells, become the President of my nation? I do not want to humiliate Amitabh Bachchan because I understand his source of income, but to have him as the President is just a little too much to ask from an average Indian.

Maybe I am over reacting, for the simple reason that I am one of those spoilt Indians, who have been spoilt by Dr. A.P.J. Abdul Kalam. After having such a wonderful peace loving positive President, the thought of having a new President scares me, makes my grumpy face look grumpier. I feel lucky to have attended one of the seminars where he came and addressed. I simply love him.

O.k., now coming back to the point, if I and many others are too daunted to have Big B as the Big P, then who can make a good President? Somebody very softly said 'Shashi Tharoor'. Immediately I had a smile on my face. I was previously worried and spent two days thinking, Whose next? Many want Kalam to stay for another tenure, so do I. But if not, then.......then I got my personal choice - Shashi Tharoor. Who is your choice?

Realised....Finally!!

Was never really a blogger.....or rather still am not. But today after two months of creating a blog, I am for the first time posting something. Everyday I would open my blog and see it empty. Think - What should I begin with? My thoughts, my day, my ideals or should it be about some "good" and some "strange" people around me, who compel me to think.

How strange is it in today's world, that we are extremely expressive and open about our thoughts, yet so secretive about ourselves. Wanna talk about the high rising oil prices, or discuss Saddam's 'attitude' before being hanged or maybe even the recent 'Indian Cannibal', we are all up for it - enthusiastic and shooting our personal views.

I wonder, what is it after all, that makes us? Thoughts that we express or actions we enshroud? Strange, yet again, how we are lost in thinking about it. I'll call it 'irony' - cause as I write this, I'm reminded of two clashing quotes - "Actions speak louder than words" and "Pen is mightier than sword"(though in today's time, I'd like to change the 'pen' to the 'keyboard').

Somebody once told me, or rather made me realise, it is never a single thing that can make a difference, it is always hitting the right combination to make things work. Maybe here too, it is not just about the words that flow or just the aggression-turned-actions that help, but a combination of both. I may sound too unsure in this piece, but maybe it is neither, it is simple "REALISATION" that actually makes all the difference.

It is words and actions, the strong key tools of 'realisation', which are used as an inflow as well as an outflow of what we call 'thoughts', but the word is 'realisation'. Calling ourselves the 'independent' souls of the country, we are in real terms 'dependant'. My realisation is dependant on my words and my words on your actions, your actions on some one's realisations and his realisation on his words. A combination, a cycle, which wraps us all and today I enjoin the cycle, finally!