Confessions of a.....*confused brain*

on Wednesday, October 31, 2007


Woke up in a weird mood. Its not for the first time I am in a mood like this, yet. Spoke to my best friend after ages last night, for long. We spoke about how happy we are in our own lives, not in touch with anyone but just living life the way we want to, and how much more satisfied we are, keeping the load and responsibilities away from ourselves. Also saw Dil, Dosti, etc (yeah...I really had nothing to do last night :P), nice concept but not made well, there could so much more done to that movie and it could be a hit. Anyway, the point is I feel confused. Many questions troubling my mind.

I know we all have these phases when we are confused, wonder what is the purpose of our lives? But, I thought I had discovered that. I thought I just wanted to be happy and spread positivity in people around me. I do that, but is that really the 'purpose' of my life? I know what I want from my personal life, my professional life - I am not confused about the general questions in life. Its something different. Its something that has been eating me all day. It is something that makes me want to leave everything and get away from life for sometime.

The last time I ever felt something like this, my friends called it 'depression' (I know its not that), just because I would switch off my phone for some days and not want to talk to or meet anyone. I don't feel the need of switching my phone off this time because I neither call nor get calls from my friends. Its not that what you may think...not in touch with friends thing. No...its not that. Its...its...I really want to figure out what?

I am not really feeling pessimistic. I am normal when it comes to work, etc. Its just that my mind is occupied with SOMETHING. What is that something? There are too any questions? Answers...I can not have them because I have no idea what questions haunt my brain. If only I could have someone who could read my mind. If only I had someone who would understand me with a blink of an eye. If only someone just kept a hand over my shoulder and said with true faith 'Do not fear! You will do it.' I have absolutely no idea, why I feel tears rolling down my eyes as I write this post and not feel weird about sharing it here, so openly.

Every relationship is so important in our life. From our parents, siblings, friends to even people who work for you. I honestly come across as someone who is not very emotionally attached to people, but these are things so personal that I do not discuss or share it with myself. I will not say I am always misunderstood, but it hurts when your loved ones and the ones whom you in the least expect to misunderstand your words, taking out different meanings out of it. No no...do not get ideas. No such particular incident is making me feel like this. Its all random. But it really hurts me when I see any kind of riff between any relationship. Happens with everyone and I feel happy about the fact that many of us are strong enough to get out of it. I am one of those. Never having very openly expressed, today I really want to admit, in my life, I have been affected by relationships. I have a strange fascination for understanding relationships, reading them, noticing those two people related and analyzing how relationships are moulded.

I have always believed that I can live alone, and I mean it. I love meeting people, but all temporary. I want to be a vagabond. I want to see life. Find my questions, my answers, clear my confusions.I need change all the time. Does not sound as a virtue, but....and now I get it...I am confused because my deepest desire is something completely different to what I call my biggest wishes. My professional dream is my biggest wish, but my desire to travel, explore and discover is my dream. A dream I want to live. A dream which I am sure, many do dream, but most laugh it off. And the rest are intelligent pessimists, they know it is almost impossible. I am none of those. I am hopeful. I am dreamy. I liked two things in the movie - one, "When you are young, you think the possibilities are endless" and the last line "The fact is - Sanjay is dead, I survived and I am still looking for love." I strongly believe possibilities are endless despite your age,sex,caste,whatever. And I have survived so far, I have to live my dreams and look for answers, my questions. :-) Yes I am smiling. It may be one of the most random posts on my blog, but who cares? I? No! Anyone else? But, do I care about that? No!

People call me selfish, self centered self obsessed. I agree, but is it wrong? My relationships do get strained sometimes because of issues like these, but....aahhh...forget it! I want to move on...I don't want to look back and complaint how I have come so far without the most important people in my life not encouraging me, not having faith in me. Its okay, not their fault, not mine either. I am happy and they are beginning to believe my potential. Its not a low phase of my life, these are years when I am realizing so much, canvassing my life, my relationships, my love, my dreams. I am stepping forward everyday, but am still, why?where? these are questions that haunt my brain, answers..I should be quick to find them too. If from the begging to the end of the post I can find my questions; answers should be an easier and much more calmer task. I love you. (My you is for many people, including you and my life (myself too! ;)) I am not expressive. I want to hug you and tell you - I love you! You are the best that has happened to me. I thank God specially for having you in my life. mwwuuuuaaaah!!

I end this with a smile. Smile forever, it does help!

*I love my new Blah Anthem. :-)*

24 comments:

rOhit said...

Being very honest.. as i advanced to each word while reading.. jus felt its being written for me.. truly every line..!! And it reminded me of each day which i've been goin thru since the past yr. The time when i started questioning evrythin around me.. the time when i actually step forward to choose a diffrnt path and jus LIVE for my dream.. the time when
i use to wonder simply alone wid my thoughts.. and dream dream dream till i end.. !! These queries which u portrayed are sumthin wich our age grp goes thru.. we question our existence to evrythin else.. and i believe if it doesnt arise then we wont be having a strong reason to survive.. evrythin wich u mentioned haunt me all day all night.. and its lik.. i really donno if one day wats gonna happen if they vanish..!! Though i wish i cud clear all the confusion sumday..:)

I can truly relate to your locale.. and it feels so gud to find sum1 jus lik u..:) trust me all this is jus helping us to understand ourselves and at times the world too..!! and yeah.. Being a movie buff saw Dil Dosti on day of its release and then nxt day again..:P.. U knw i cud actually relate so myself wid Imad's character {except the sex part..lol}.. thats exactly what we are.. dragging thru life.. simply breathing..:) And ther was one more line in the movie wich i guess u forgot or didnt noticed.. and my sheer laziness has stopped me frm writing an entire post on it.. lol

P.S. - i loved ur anthem.. i hav heard it sumwer else too... bt cant recall.. and m lukin for it since then.. where can i get it..? =((

And yeah.. this post definitely
made me roll you.. hope its fyn..:P

*Phew cant believe i actually wrote such a big comment.. but still thers so much left..{don worry.. i wont pen down more}.. :P

rOhit said...

Oh btw i got the song.. hw can i be so dumb.. it was frm Aaja Nachle..:P

Keshi said...

understanding self is one of the hardest challenges in life. we all go through that and even near-death, some ppl would never really know who they r.

HUGGGGGGGGZ I love u too! Im glad I found this blog world. I really wudnt know what I'd do w.o. u guys!

Keshi.

preetilata said...

with each n evry line of tis post i can relate myself. loved d post more for the honesty it contains. loved reading it.

m new 2 ur blog. its lovely. wish u all d bst n do kp smiling alwys.

tk cr
:) :) :)

Dimple said...

You want to know y u wr feeling like this..it was becoz u saw "Dil ,dosti etc"..u r not the only victim..thr r many more ppl suffering from "Depression" after watching the movie..:D..
Dont worry its just a phase in life..and as my frnd says to me.."Harmonal Imbalance nothing else"..so just chill and enjoy..;)

Dip said...

Love it too! *hug*

:)

Feel like drinking..

and i love the new look of your blog... it's beautiful. I love the song country roads..denver is awesome~

Mannu said...

Beautiful blog, nabs! as much supremely confused as the state of mind! a turest reflection of mind , therfore.!u start out seraching yourself, and end up giving lov to everybody!
but i promise it, there are solutions to these queries of mind. just need to look into other peoples thought who have already done there researches into the same kind of turmoil of their mind. dont start from scratch. pick threads from their and proceed further. add new to their reasrch by adding ur views ..like this one..this one was really good and delving deep.
luv ya..

Keshi said...

HAPPY DIWALI girl!

Keshi.

just a nice girl said...

Stumbled by reading this post and was wondering how you could express the way i felt last week... the thing that people call 'depression' but it is not. When everything goes the way it should go but you still feel it is wrong. when you want to be left alone, live for yourself when even for a moment.
But i am really happy that there are people who feel my moods and can say at the right moment things like "Believe on you and everything will be fine...
bad time is only for a small duration..you will soon see beautiful one again" and then i also can say "I love you" and keep smiling as it always helps! :)

Bizarre Kid said...

You've got a nice blog..
Worth coming back to

Prehistoric Developments! said...

you seem to be going through phases that everyone passes,
i guess watching that movie influenced your mood too.
and don't bother about what other people think about you, what i've learned is that when you act the way you like, with little considerations, people love and respect you more!!

so, take care, and be happy!! :-)

rOhit said...

lost??
LONG time must say.. ;)

Ashu said...

Nice cool blog. Add ya ? Dropped here through Rohit s blog :)

daman kohli said...

i can relate to each and every line u wrote , going through the same this time , though its more to do with my professional dream . and u dont feel like talking to ppl when you dont know what's up with u in the future , perhaps i cant find a direction where i am heading to...so i have stopped thinking about it , fighting and slogging out hasn't made much of a difference in all these years so i have decided to take what's in my fate !!!

matty said...

i have no words for ur post!!

so damn true...
i felt this hell lot of times...
i don't knw if i can chase my dreams..
bt as u jus said..
hope..it never dies out..

and these random thoughts...
they haunt me every second of my life...
nw i am used to them...

good post...
keep writing...

shariq said...

address of Blah (Is)Land ?

dharmabum said...

so which chai shop r you frequenting these days? and why have you not been writing?

anujjha said...

hi nabs....
wow....a great blog indeed it certailnly extracts out the emotions of ur heart....Im new reader of ur blog....the first impression I got is really strong....keep writing well like this....

HAPPY NEW YEAR 2008

looking ahead to be your good friend >>>>

--anujjha

url:-

www.reasonsoflife.wordpress.com

The Belled Goat said...

What makes me think your the one from KPS ? n u had a sis too... n she rote a play n i acted in d lead role..Mandeep M'am?

Or am messing it up?

Lemme know.

BTW..a great BlahWeb you have woven...Love it.

Kenneth said...

Finally get to visit ur blog, bt ur no longer here, atleast i hope in earnest ud come bk

I'd nt like to give u advice, cos advice is given by perfect ppl

U know wat ur goin thru nd u know how to come out of it...

I do wish u well, esp if ut nt comin bk here....

If u do, lemme know, we'l have "chai" sometime...

said...

I don't know :|

Niraj said...

all the best nabilla for ur future ahead...really liked reading everything u wrote!!

Sreetama said...

This random post is just too good! even i wrote something like this when i was feeling exactly like this, aimless, hopeless...i felt good after i posted it. hope the same happened with u! :)

asad said...

wt u do nabila?