Confessions of a.....*confused brain*

Woke up in a weird mood. Its not for the first time I am in a mood like this, yet. Spoke to my best friend after ages last night, for long. We spoke about how happy we are in our own lives, not in touch with anyone but just living life the way we want to, and how much more satisfied we are, keeping the load and responsibilities away from ourselves. Also saw Dil, Dosti, etc (yeah...I really had nothing to do last night :P), nice concept but not made well, there could so much more done to that movie and it could be a hit. Anyway, the point is I feel confused. Many questions troubling my mind.

I know we all have these phases when we are confused, wonder what is the purpose of our lives? But, I thought I had discovered that. I thought I just wanted to be happy and spread positivity in people around me. I do that, but is that really the 'purpose' of my life? I know what I want from my personal life, my professional life - I am not confused about the general questions in life. Its something different. Its something that has been eating me all day. It is something that makes me want to leave everything and get away from life for sometime.

The last time I ever felt something like this, my friends called it 'depression' (I know its not that), just because I would switch off my phone for some days and not want to talk to or meet anyone. I don't feel the need of switching my phone off this time because I neither call nor get calls from my friends. Its not that what you may think...not in touch with friends thing. No...its not that. Its...its...I really want to figure out what?

I am not really feeling pessimistic. I am normal when it comes to work, etc. Its just that my mind is occupied with SOMETHING. What is that something? There are too any questions? Answers...I can not have them because I have no idea what questions haunt my brain. If only I could have someone who could read my mind. If only I had someone who would understand me with a blink of an eye. If only someone just kept a hand over my shoulder and said with true faith 'Do not fear! You will do it.' I have absolutely no idea, why I feel tears rolling down my eyes as I write this post and not feel weird about sharing it here, so openly.

Every relationship is so important in our life. From our parents, siblings, friends to even people who work for you. I honestly come across as someone who is not very emotionally attached to people, but these are things so personal that I do not discuss or share it with myself. I will not say I am always misunderstood, but it hurts when your loved ones and the ones whom you in the least expect to misunderstand your words, taking out different meanings out of it. No no...do not get ideas. No such particular incident is making me feel like this. Its all random. But it really hurts me when I see any kind of riff between any relationship. Happens with everyone and I feel happy about the fact that many of us are strong enough to get out of it. I am one of those. Never having very openly expressed, today I really want to admit, in my life, I have been affected by relationships. I have a strange fascination for understanding relationships, reading them, noticing those two people related and analyzing how relationships are moulded.

I have always believed that I can live alone, and I mean it. I love meeting people, but all temporary. I want to be a vagabond. I want to see life. Find my questions, my answers, clear my confusions.I need change all the time. Does not sound as a virtue, but....and now I get it...I am confused because my deepest desire is something completely different to what I call my biggest wishes. My professional dream is my biggest wish, but my desire to travel, explore and discover is my dream. A dream I want to live. A dream which I am sure, many do dream, but most laugh it off. And the rest are intelligent pessimists, they know it is almost impossible. I am none of those. I am hopeful. I am dreamy. I liked two things in the movie - one, "When you are young, you think the possibilities are endless" and the last line "The fact is - Sanjay is dead, I survived and I am still looking for love." I strongly believe possibilities are endless despite your age,sex,caste,whatever. And I have survived so far, I have to live my dreams and look for answers, my questions. :-) Yes I am smiling. It may be one of the most random posts on my blog, but who cares? I? No! Anyone else? But, do I care about that? No!

People call me selfish, self centered self obsessed. I agree, but is it wrong? My relationships do get strained sometimes because of issues like these, but....aahhh...forget it! I want to move on...I don't want to look back and complaint how I have come so far without the most important people in my life not encouraging me, not having faith in me. Its okay, not their fault, not mine either. I am happy and they are beginning to believe my potential. Its not a low phase of my life, these are years when I am realizing so much, canvassing my life, my relationships, my love, my dreams. I am stepping forward everyday, but am still, why?where? these are questions that haunt my brain, answers..I should be quick to find them too. If from the begging to the end of the post I can find my questions; answers should be an easier and much more calmer task. I love you. (My you is for many people, including you and my life (myself too! ;)) I am not expressive. I want to hug you and tell you - I love you! You are the best that has happened to me. I thank God specially for having you in my life. mwwuuuuaaaah!!

I end this with a smile. Smile forever, it does help!

*I love my new Blah Anthem. :-)*