Still a Kid...

Yes I am still a kid no matter how sensible people may assume I am and be mistaken about my maturity...by the end of the day I miss playing in the evening with friends...cycling around the colony with frineds..trying those 'who can take that steep turn on the slopes better' and being 'oh so carefree' and conscious, both at the same time. School, regular attendence, sincerety and seiousness for exams and tests...it is all missing now from life. These maybe things that I can bring back in life. Can I not go and play out now? Can I not cycle now and I am still expected to be a good student, both at home and college. Not like I am not carefree now, I am, but still something is missing?

It was 10 years back when I came to this country, how wonderful and eventful has my childhood been since then. I am sure everybody's has been. And then we all afterall grow up to be mature and sensible indiviuals because of every new lesson we learn from our observations and experiences, and there is more of it to come. But does that answer my questions satisfactorily? Why do I say 'something' is missing from life? Is it the innocense and ignorance? Is this the reason why great men said 'Ignorance is bliss'? But I just learnt 'Ignorance is the biggest sin'...then what is it?

I say I am carefree now, but I know that was not a natural process, it is something put on...I have made myself carefree. I know anything in extremes is not good and I do not remember being too caring about something or somebody too, then why? Is it the 'memorable childhood' that has made me like this? I know my growing up years were not very felicitous, but were they so bad that I would want to ignore every sensitive issue, topic or conversation. Am I afraid about something?

Yeeeaaahhh!! I am afraid. I feel proud when someone calls me brave and level headed, but why such misconceptions? Oh wait! I just forgot... it is the mask, not me. But wait this is tangling my thoughts more. I have always wanted to 'be me' and I know I am 'being me'...then are these two faces of the same person? There are just so many moments when I feel I have too many faces, too many personalities, but later I realise 'NO! It is just ME'.

I know I am not lost in my thoughts, the good or bad events of my life, not blinded by faith of any sort or even confused about people and life. Maybe my buying baloons last night for myself just brought me back my childhood. I just wanted to be the kid again, carefree ( in that way ), ignorant, playful, but sadly I was brought back to my reality too soon and hence this confused frustrated post!! >>sigh<< I am going back to play with my balloons in my lonely room, with no friends and glass tables to break ( I always did that as a kid, specially while playing with my favorite big balloons in the house ;) ). That will take me back where I want to be right now. Will come back to my so called 'aesthesia' when I want to, because I will be me, whichever me whenever I want to be so!

And yes...I am not putting on a mask of any kind, anytime...I was just confused, and now that I have spat all my confusion on my blog and made myself clear, I am off...>>phew<< (what a relief!!huh..) :-)