Still a Kid...

on Monday, April 30, 2007



Yes I am still a kid no matter how sensible people may assume I am and be mistaken about my maturity...by the end of the day I miss playing in the evening with friends...cycling around the colony with frineds..trying those 'who can take that steep turn on the slopes better' and being 'oh so carefree' and conscious, both at the same time. School, regular attendence, sincerety and seiousness for exams and tests...it is all missing now from life. These maybe things that I can bring back in life. Can I not go and play out now? Can I not cycle now and I am still expected to be a good student, both at home and college. Not like I am not carefree now, I am, but still something is missing?

It was 10 years back when I came to this country, how wonderful and eventful has my childhood been since then. I am sure everybody's has been. And then we all afterall grow up to be mature and sensible indiviuals because of every new lesson we learn from our observations and experiences, and there is more of it to come. But does that answer my questions satisfactorily? Why do I say 'something' is missing from life? Is it the innocense and ignorance? Is this the reason why great men said 'Ignorance is bliss'? But I just learnt 'Ignorance is the biggest sin'...then what is it?

I say I am carefree now, but I know that was not a natural process, it is something put on...I have made myself carefree. I know anything in extremes is not good and I do not remember being too caring about something or somebody too, then why? Is it the 'memorable childhood' that has made me like this? I know my growing up years were not very felicitous, but were they so bad that I would want to ignore every sensitive issue, topic or conversation. Am I afraid about something?

Yeeeaaahhh!! I am afraid. I feel proud when someone calls me brave and level headed, but why such misconceptions? Oh wait! I just forgot... it is the mask, not me. But wait this is tangling my thoughts more. I have always wanted to 'be me' and I know I am 'being me'...then are these two faces of the same person? There are just so many moments when I feel I have too many faces, too many personalities, but later I realise 'NO! It is just ME'.

I know I am not lost in my thoughts, the good or bad events of my life, not blinded by faith of any sort or even confused about people and life. Maybe my buying baloons last night for myself just brought me back my childhood. I just wanted to be the kid again, carefree ( in that way ), ignorant, playful, but sadly I was brought back to my reality too soon and hence this confused frustrated post!! >>sigh<< I am going back to play with my balloons in my lonely room, with no friends and glass tables to break ( I always did that as a kid, specially while playing with my favorite big balloons in the house ;) ). That will take me back where I want to be right now. Will come back to my so called 'aesthesia' when I want to, because I will be me, whichever me whenever I want to be so!

And yes...I am not putting on a mask of any kind, anytime...I was just confused, and now that I have spat all my confusion on my blog and made myself clear, I am off...>>phew<< (what a relief!!huh..) :-)

22 comments:

Ernesto said...

thats very true; as we grow up we are forced and expected 2 behave in a set manner and do something in our lives and thats what takes the innocence away.. i also think that why sometimes we tend to take ourselves too seriously...
nice one now i feel that u must be feeling relieved

Sharad Mathur said...

it happens..
life happens.. :)

nice post & thnx for yr visit!
sharad

StandbyMind said...

It really felt cool to read this post .It was like, you touching a very soft part of the brains..Every word of it...
Childhood - bicycle...baloons,hide n seek, chor- police...lol man it was so damn fun...and yes Schoool days ...awesome...

And yes i completely agree with u....it was just the confusion...fight in the mind u were having..nothin like masks and all stufff...coz this one was staright from you Heart..its so clear and so pure....

(btw....I saw SAAWAn..movie..lol..dont tell anyone..lol)

Rajeev said...

People tend to lose their wandering nature once they grow up. and many ppl are forced to behave like a grown up after reaching a certain age. So the point here is even though u have grown up, u shud be able to enjoy when ur with small kids.
like the sayin goes "what's the use of bein a grown up, when u can't be a kid at times!?"
thanx for the visit!!
i've linked ur blog. will be back later!

Peace & Love
JeeVY

Prince Kazarelth said...

YES! WE ARE KIDS!! AND WE ARE PROUD AT HEART BECAUSE WE ARE KIDS!!!

*Ahem*...

Good good. WE are all passing through the 'mask' phase...

***

Hehe. The poem is about a state of mind now. Something like SHM between these two words...

Nabila Zehra Zaidi said...

@ ernesto .....do not know about what people expect you to be...but innocense is definitely taken away with time..! And yes, I am very relieved...Thanks ;)

@ Sharad .....Thanks Sharad!!

@ Aman ..... Thanks...one person I see...who ABSOLUTELY got right what I was thinking and feeling!! :D

n oh SAAWAN!!hahahaha...I still have not dared to watch it...though at a time I wanted to :P

@ Rajeev ..... yeah..what is the use being a grown up when you can not be a kid... :) Thanks!!

@ Prince ..... I am just confused all the time...and 'masks' was just a part of that confusion and not a phase...

I.D. said...

confused but honest thoughts....

-i

Dimple said...

You know the problem with me is I m a kid and I even act like a kid..i try hard to put that " very matured girl" mask ..but i fail every time i see a small child playing and laughing without any restriction and yes wen ever i see balloons or rides in a fun fair..:)

mathew said...

i think all of us are like this..secretly aspiring to be a kid again..but the weight of maturity overshadows it..but i always make a point to be true to oneself..get back to childhood whenever possible..

Wanderer said...

why does one have to analyze in such detail, especially when the meaning of being carefree is not to over-analyze stuff?

Nabila Zehra Zaidi said...

@ i.d. ....LOL...yeah!! ;)

@ Dimple... yes...the funfare rides...balloons...aah...sigh...and the oh so grown up masks...blah! Why do we have to afterall grow up?? :( (and then work and bare with some 'strange' co workers ;) ...yes dimple??)

@ Mathew....maturity overshadows it...exactly!! but we must be our 'kiddy' selves whenever we want to.. :) (laut aaya woh bacchpan :P )
Thanks for the visit!!

@ Wanderer...now thats food for thought...will have me occuppied for quite some time now...

Saucy said...

Yaa. me too. I don't want to grow up. But unfortunately growing inevitable phenomena!!!
Lennon sings this topic in a beautiful way.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E_-rAdbqp9U

Ainz said...

This is incredible... A little while ago I was driving back home thinking about the very same thing !! I was gonna write something about it myself and then VIOLA! I read this sweet piece!! Thinking about it, I came upon the following which kind of sums it up for me now...

"Maturity is the loss of innocence"

And then thru our whole adult life we miss and crave that childhood innocence that made the kid in us carefree and happy.

Plus its awesome to know that I'm not the only one who feels this way !! :-D

Me said...

I keep asking - WHY do we have to grow up? I refuse to!

Nabila Zehra Zaidi said...

@ Saucy .... Yes unfortunately :( And I love The Beattles...great song!!

@ Ainz ...maturity slyly steals away your innocence, making you want to mature...and when you realize that your wonderful precious innocence is missing...you just start craving for it...and trust me not just you...but most of us crave for it and want to be a carefree happy KID again!!

@ Me .... We all do that...and the harder we try to refuse to grow up...we just end up maturing a little more...aarrgghh...just want to put an end to this...isnt it?? ;)

nikhil said...

loved reading ur post! this brought back memories of my childhood...I hate acting all matured and shit...whats the big deal about being proper all the time...never lose touch with the kid inside you!

*D* said...

babe.. fuck everything and keep buying your balloons. and yeah stay the kid you are. kids are the best. you know, someone who says "grow up".. that person needs to catch up with himself. inside.. we all are kids. we just lose it sometimes when all f us are pretending to be grown up. what the fuck is an adult really?? who decided you are an adult. 17 = kid 18 = adult. one year changes everything!?! crap.. i feel like spanking anyone who tells me to grow up. a very stupid girlfriend of mine who keeps whining about life tells me "grow up". I MEAN...what a loser.. first off you keep cryin about life and then just because i have this carefree attitude..she assumes im a kid. huh? i think im the smarter kid.

oh god long comment. OKAY POINT IS...I WANT A BALLOOON TOOOO :D

Neo said...

its sad that as we grow up we lose our innocence. we are expected to behave as 'adults'. how i wish i could be as innocent as i was when i was a child..

nice post n thnx for the visit!

daman kohli said...

ye its difficult to realize that i have grown up sometimes ,people expect me to behave in a certain manner ,but i do always think "why the hell ,can't i be left alone??" ,but then i am also confused like u

Maverick said...

unusual backdrop, but cool post....Awesome

Nabila Zehra Zaidi said...

@ maverick .... Thanks! :)

@ kohli .... talk about the increasing expectations with the increasing age...huh...just want to be left alone..right!

@ neo .... "as innocent as a child" ...this statement makes me feel like an 80 year old, it sounds so unreacheable and long lost gone.

@ d .... yes...you are right! fuck everything...continue being the kid that you are...

@ nikhil .... I never want to lose touch with the kid inside me ever...forget inside... I am just a kid.. :D

Tuhin said...

1st of all after the revamp ur blog luks great...

2ndly - Hi Nabz..hw hv u bin?

3rdly - wish evry1 cd think like u...letting d kid in u stay 4evr helps in numerous ways...i need nt mention them...may u alwys hv dis cute kid in u alive