on Thursday, March 25, 2010

It feels like waking up from your grave. I am back on my Blog after some donkey years and it is feeling new. Earlier too, I tried writing but just did not get down to it. Life has been a mess. Changing academic streams. Changing cities. Adapting to the friggin city. Beggining to live on your own and all that. It can be quite a task. And while you are still adjusting, comes the disillusion and you start wondering out of restlessness what are you doing here? And why? Sometimes you are better off than the plan you have made for yourself. But aahh... forget it. It took me three full months of hibernation and shit loads of talking to get me out of the 'I am dropping out' phase.

I guess, it is all just new and I have to make my stand ONCE AGAIN, which took me two years to make in my city. Work needs to begin from scratch. I am trying, which is why I feel better, otherwise I was definitely quitting. :P But I am glad I have some of the best people around me to help me through this. I intend getting back to my blog and start posting like I used to too. So, maybe things will work out. Over the months, allot has happened and I am not even getting there. Infact, this post is boring the hell out of me. >>yyyaaawwnnn<< What a useless post this is. And I am writing this just for the heck of it. :P

Okay, so all I needed to do was, scribble here so that I get started. Now that I have bored myself and you (just incase anyone remembers this blog :P), I am done. I will be back soon to write properly, hopefully. :)

Take Care.

What's in a Name?

on Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Alot. Got a name like Wasim Singh, you immediately understand he comes from a mixed background. Got a name like A. Yadav, you either strike a bond with him or secretly want to kill him because he and his generations to come will benefit from reservations. Whatever maybe your name, without having you say anything, the other person has already formed a certain opinion about you. People ask little kids and old, what does your name mean? The meaning becomes a part of your personality right away for them. Your name will immediately tell me what religion do you follow, whether you actually follow it or not.

My own name scares me now. I am sick of living in a world full of judgmental assholes who would confirm 'Do you guys actually spit in food and then serve it to your guests?' It astonishes you, surprises you, get to hear alot of new things too. As a kid, I thought I didn't know enough about my religion, but today I do not want to know about any religion. I am anyway not ultra religious, I have my own logistical thinking on every thing that is condemned in my religion or yours. Yet, this religious identity sticks with me.

I did not choose my name, I love it. I did not choose my religion, I have been brought up in a moderate environment and so I do not hate it, yet I very strongly believe in getting rid of this identity. Would changing my name and keeping it only Nabila, help? It would still remain a Persian name with only an added long thread of questions and much more severe judging.

I called a friend three weeks back, stressed, "I am going to make a big decision. This is a life changing decision, but I want to make it..... I want to change my name." I was stopped by not a logical but emotional thought - it was too silly to risk 20 years of strongly rooted relationships. True. I was still living life on my own terms, anyway. I have never been discriminated on the basis of my name. I have not been hurt or privileged either, but I am still being judged by you. Maybe when I started the post, you may have even thought I will share an anecdote of distress and discrimination. I do not have one. I am like most of you, an irregular blogger, a loving daughter, a loyal friend, a caring sister, a trustworthy partner, an avid reader, a music lover, a dreamer, YET I am being judged by you and you by me. My name says I am a Muslim and yours' says something else. For many, I am a Muslim, you a Hindu, Christian, Parsi, Pinjabi, and this probably being your foremost identity, even before your actual name, your profession, your thoughts.

I speak not for myself nor for a community I belong to (which I did not choose but was gifted at birth), but for you and me. Why should even a question as small and as 'normal' as 'So... You are a Kayastha or a Baniya?' or Shia, Sunni, Catholic, Protestant, whatever, come up?

We spend a life 'making an identity of our own' ranting about 'individualism', without realizing, we already have an identity attached by birth which is not just used to address us, fill our forms and hold ration cards, but to add tags to our 'individual' selves.

Whether you care two hoots about where the person comes from or not, you would still know where he comes from when he gives out his name to you. You can even guess the zones and states they come from -THAT is what is in a name. If only we had a nameless world - there would be no Romeo and Juliet, but there would still remain, you and me, as ourselves, as individuals in a chaotic world of no personal identities (like we are any better now..huh..).

For myself, I am ME and YOU are YOU.

Who am I for you?


on Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Sorry Chhammiya! 'Bisexual Lions' came on my blog first... ;)

It is clearly the thing they call 'love'. Two weeks... not having met yet... and conversations that have gone from the deepest darkest secrets to as random as discussing my fantasy to marry a lion. It has not felt truer before. As the silly girl that I can be, I have all reasons to feel unsure and insecure about this, afterall we have not met and have only been intimate for about two weeks. It went fast but it was natural. It was something stronger from day one. I never thought I could feel so strongly for someone. This relationship has come as a surprise to me as well. I realized this last night when I was telling 'a friend' about him. He was nasty but it just made me feel more sure about what I was doing.

I admit, I was commitment phobic, was looking for 'that someone' whom I would never find because I never knew what I wanted, or maybe I just did not want anyone at all. He happened to me at the most unlikely unexpected time and that is what makes US more beautiful! I want to believe every word he says, when I take ages to trust people. I want to change myself sometimes and be more careful so that I do not hurt him ever, though I do not believe in changing and being intentionally careful with someone you love, but it just happens. I want to fight with him only to know what is a 'lovers fight' like. I want to sing songs with him and not just 'send files'. I want to walk a mile and convince him that 'I do eat proper food ya...'. I want to be with him and not with the 'bisexual lion' (well... the lion has to be bisexual so that my chammiya can seduce the lion and let him meet his 'itam' whenever he wants to, else the lion will have some nice feast no... ;)) I want to tell the world about him, because I am just "so sure".

I have always considered my blog my space, yet there always has been so much I have wanted to write about but never did cause I am not anonymous on my blog and did not want to open my life in front of the world. Until I realized it was time I get over it and say/write/express whatever I want to on MY blog. It is MY space, afterall. And there is nothing in my life that I am ashamed of, so why should I think twice before letting it out, even if the reader knows who I am or will eventually come to know who am I. This is probably the first post where I am openly sharing my personal life on this blog.

It has always been difficult to understand how most of us treat our blogs like personal journals. Maybe it is the choice of remaining anonymous about your identity in the virtual world. Yet again, when it comes to 'reality', we tend to say alot more and be our truer self with a stranger. I thought it was that 'feeling comfortable with a stranger' thing initially, between me and him, but when did it grow into something more beautiful, atleast I do not remember. Now, I wake up to his voice and go to sleep hesitantly because that would keep us away from each other for atleast five hours, yet together in thought, always. (yes! I do sound like a hopeless romantic right now!! :P)

Though it is not one of those 'I get butterflies in my stomach' kind of a feeling when I am with him in thoughts or phone or chat. It is just something so pure and strong that it makes you feel the same as an individual. There is just so much of 'something' happening in this post, that no wonder people give up trying to explain and keep it simple by saying 'its that 'something' they call 'love'' *blush* (LOL).

I want to write more but this seems to be the perfect end for this post, I guess. Also, it would be useless wasting my time trying to express my feelings for him, because it is now, I am getting how hard is it for people to put their feelings into words... I suppose this post was a challenge to the writer in me which I have terribly failed. I guess it happens when 'something' called love happens ;)

P.S. : I love you!

Alls well that ends well...!

on Wednesday, May 14, 2008

As many hurdles you pass, the better results are received!! Personally, true, so far! The biggest hurdle (which I enjoy completely) for me is this stupid public transport thing! I love it for sure and find it more comfortable and convenient than a vehicle of your own, but it gets to me when I have to go places which are way too far, not that I mind it really. I enjoy my work, remember? :), yet..

Recently, I had to go and interview this elderly Doctor, all of 72 years old. I am telling you, as much as old people love to talk, they are as inspiring too! He stayed like in the outskirts of the city and my appointment with him was in early hours of the morning. The lazy sleepy ass that I am, it was going to be really tough for me. Outskirts! Early morning! Public Transport!! Haha Nabzy baby, you were in for a ball!! ;) Until my overly protective sister decided to be utterly sweet, compromise on her early morning sleep and drive me down. (Yay!! Problem solved!!) But, she does not stay here, she had no idea where I was taking her. Sultanpur Road! She said, "What? Where? There has to be an area name? Something! What Sultanpur Road?" We were half way to Sultanpur, when, thanks to the few landmarks the Doctor's wife had told me about could be seen on that 'country side road' which takes you straight to Sultanpur, we reached 'safe n sound'.

"Okay, Nabila! Make sure you do this quick, but what Doc. is he? Why do you have to interview him?" I really did not want to tell her, she would kill me. "He is a Vet." And just as I expected, "W-H-A-T!!?? Early in the morning, you make me drive to almost another district in the state, to interview a 'jaanvaron ka daaktar'." The huhs and ggggrrrrs... follow till date and shall continue all life. Memorable, you see! :)

So, now this guy, unlike how I had imagined him to be, looking weak, very smiley and slightly hunched back. Yes! I had not imagined him like this. Imagined him more like a fit, straight back, suited, serious man. He was a sweetheart and he actually took lesser time than I had imagined. Firstly, cause he is 72, the older people get, the more they love to talk, my grandpa was like that too. It is now, I feel sad for all the journos who came to my place to interview Dada. And oh, secondly cause what we were going to talk about was amazingly interesting (not for my sis definitely! She is not an animal lover!)

The year Dr. Narendra Deva Shrama retired, that very year he made the country's first ever Animal Crash. Cute, isnt it? He wanted to actually open a yoga training institute, since he was completely into yoga and all that, and there weren't many proper yoga institutes in Lucknow in 1995 too. Anyway, it so happened that a friend left a dog at his place and said "This is your first dog for the crash!", to whom he had mentioned about the animal crash plan (which he was not that serious about, then) . But there was no escaping that plan now, and then began his animal crash story. He told me that most dogs which came to him became so emotionally attached to him that they often forgot their original owners. Wow!! I would not want to leave my dogs with him!! But hai hai ye majboori... (I dont have a dog anyway... :'( or :D ... dunno... comfused..huh..anyway!!)

I knew he has been a Vet all his life, yet whenever people came to drop their dogs for a short while or long,how did he manage to befriend them? He said, he would study the dog's behavior in the first meeting and slowly make him comfortable. He insisted on analyzing the psychology of the animal! >>sigh<< I wanted to study Animal Psychology and take it up professionally, one day! :'(

And them my sis started to pull my kurta, showing signs of restlessness, boredom and hunger! A sweet interview it was! :)

So, the moral of the story is, that whenever I have traveled far for a story, it has always been very interesting and enticing. Like that Chhannilal story, I told you about in my 'Chai time Baqwas' post. That place was not too far, yet not too convenient either. And then this other coverage of a Special Children Olympics that was held here a few months back. That was a heart changing experience. Beautiful! Can not forget even a single moment spent there. I have been awe struck since then. Physically, mentally disabled children, running around, playing, racing, dancing, there was no negative competitive feeling anywhere to be seen or felt. It was like they were out in the open on that field just to enjoy their mental and physical freedom! They looked more free than most 'normal' people, free from grave matters that surround us, unnecessary stress that we take, free from all sorts of inhibitions and boundations! It was a feeling as if someone unlocked, unchained my tightly chained and locked heart, which started to breathe in the freedom and optimism they exuded! :)

This is the beauty of my profession. Inconvenience, deadlines, people hating you, people unnecessarily being nice to you too sometimes, too much of struggle, too less money, but it fulfills my desire to be a vagabond in minuscule ways. I get to see a world, know people, explore and expose myself to so much that I would not as a normal student. Just two years as a Freelancer in this field, still an undergraduate and I feel so nice about what I am doing. I feel like a changed person. I feel more liberated, more strong, and the independence part goes without mentioning. Though, I also get sick of it sometimes. Sometimes, I just do not want to write, sometimes I do not want to write 'about' a particular thing, sometimes I just get plain bored, but most of the time, I love it! The high that a byline gives you, is definitely better than any Adam (pun intended).

And, now I am hoping to see my self specialize from next year, if only things work in my favor. I just pray and wish, I really know what I want to specialize in! But, even if I don't, I'll be living the life of a gypsy, mentally. Living that gypsy dream of mine. :)

Guest Visit to my own Blog?

on Saturday, May 3, 2008

We all go into hibernation. Maybe I did too, probably I still am. Is it a big deal? Should it worry people if I want to go into a shell and not come out for a while? Look.... months have passed and I have not changed. I still start my posts with silly questions about myself. I am my favorite topic to talk, write, argue and discuss about.

Life is definitely a journey, a roller coaster ride. Look back, review and you would nod in agreement. Not that I was going through some catharses, yet life was not still. Something kept happening. Things that kept me busy, they made me do what I love doing - 'discovering myself', but somewhere (blame the 'hibernation period' if you please) I feel like a person nearing schizophrenia. You know the feeling, where you tend to think so much, analyze and focus on certain issues so much that your mind ends up being all numb (If you are not shizophrenic... you actually would not know this feeling :s). As I write this, I am feeling scared. I am praying too hard that it is just a phase, a short lived one.

I am in no mood of writing a long post. I actually, did not have anything in mind to write about but I am posting just for the heck of it. I am never out of topics to talk about, write and be all opinionated (Afterall I am the Blah Queen...), yet I did not even care to visit my blog while others did and left comments too. (Thanks guys!!) I was not out of time and my love for Blogosphere was not temporary either. It was I guess what I mentioned earlier, hibernating at a place which I did/do not enjoy too much, but has got me numb for sure, not emotionally though.

I think I want to wake up now, move out and breathe. I need a jerk! I need a push! I just need 'myself' now! (huh... myself is such a lame way of putting what I want :p lol..) And now, the truth... It is friggin' 3 50 a.m. and I am awake just to update my blog, look-wise as well as text-wise. And since I am absolutely random I have all the right to talk whatever shit I want to. Explanation - I am only very sleepy not drunk... though I want to be drunk!! Bella.... come soon man!!

And this post is dedicated to this super cute kid, Siddharth...(No no no... not the hibernation part...!!) Yes he too is a 'Kurt Cobain wannabe' and I am sure he also believes in the whole 'Main pehley janam mein Cobain tha' Hey hey... he is a decent guitarist... and what I love about him is that he almost has a good sense of humor and also almost knows how to be sarcastic. So to cut the long story short, this cute kid has started his own new blog called 'Randomness' and is so new to blogspot that he was actually 'ashamed' to share his link with me initially (Oh! ofcourse I know that was plain nautanki). Now I am going to share his link with you all, do visit it... atleast his blog lives up to its name 'random-mess'.

Also, yes! He is quite responsible or rather lets put it more sweetly (since it is dedicated to Siddhartha) the credit goes to Siddhartha for waking me up and reminding me 'sheet!! I got a blog too man!!' Duh... I I said... a push...a jerk... well well well...WHAT-EVER!!...huh... I think I am back now, guys!! Will be visiting your blogs and updating mine more regularly now ( all can smirk and shoo this fake promise with a 'huh..' or a 'yeah right...', keeping my past records in mind). Anyway... killing the krap... I have proven Siddhartha that blogs are afterall meant for 'some' or maybe dull 'crap'. Blogs are personal...there can be nothing 'issue-based' about a blog. It is always about 'random' opinions, my friend! Isn't it, my dear old blogger friends? Missed you all... hugs n kisses... :) And Siddhartha beta, Keep Blogging, my man! ;)

Yo baby!! Kareena sucks in her size zero!! Hail Power Yoga for 'rib-showing waists' and flabby skin... tone you body a lil, honey, wont do much harm to you...!! :P

Arrrggghhh... the last two lines were just to prove publically, how much I have disliked Kareena in Tashan and her overly hyped 'bikini scene'...huh... so instead we shall hail...??? uuumm... my comeback??...okay you guys definitely do not like this idea... Cobain?? Neah... I prefer Satriani and Hendrix as guitarists... Then who?? Okay... HAIL BABBAN!! (Babban is my other friend's new pet cat. The only cat, till date, whom I have found cute, all of 17 days... cute, isn't it?)

Long Live Babban!! :D