Confessions of a.....*confused brain*

on Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Woke up in a weird mood. Its not for the first time I am in a mood like this, yet. Spoke to my best friend after ages last night, for long. We spoke about how happy we are in our own lives, not in touch with anyone but just living life the way we want to, and how much more satisfied we are, keeping the load and responsibilities away from ourselves. Also saw Dil, Dosti, etc (yeah...I really had nothing to do last night :P), nice concept but not made well, there could so much more done to that movie and it could be a hit. Anyway, the point is I feel confused. Many questions troubling my mind.

I know we all have these phases when we are confused, wonder what is the purpose of our lives? But, I thought I had discovered that. I thought I just wanted to be happy and spread positivity in people around me. I do that, but is that really the 'purpose' of my life? I know what I want from my personal life, my professional life - I am not confused about the general questions in life. Its something different. Its something that has been eating me all day. It is something that makes me want to leave everything and get away from life for sometime.

The last time I ever felt something like this, my friends called it 'depression' (I know its not that), just because I would switch off my phone for some days and not want to talk to or meet anyone. I don't feel the need of switching my phone off this time because I neither call nor get calls from my friends. Its not that what you may think...not in touch with friends thing. No...its not that. Its...its...I really want to figure out what?

I am not really feeling pessimistic. I am normal when it comes to work, etc. Its just that my mind is occupied with SOMETHING. What is that something? There are too any questions? Answers...I can not have them because I have no idea what questions haunt my brain. If only I could have someone who could read my mind. If only I had someone who would understand me with a blink of an eye. If only someone just kept a hand over my shoulder and said with true faith 'Do not fear! You will do it.' I have absolutely no idea, why I feel tears rolling down my eyes as I write this post and not feel weird about sharing it here, so openly.

Every relationship is so important in our life. From our parents, siblings, friends to even people who work for you. I honestly come across as someone who is not very emotionally attached to people, but these are things so personal that I do not discuss or share it with myself. I will not say I am always misunderstood, but it hurts when your loved ones and the ones whom you in the least expect to misunderstand your words, taking out different meanings out of it. No not get ideas. No such particular incident is making me feel like this. Its all random. But it really hurts me when I see any kind of riff between any relationship. Happens with everyone and I feel happy about the fact that many of us are strong enough to get out of it. I am one of those. Never having very openly expressed, today I really want to admit, in my life, I have been affected by relationships. I have a strange fascination for understanding relationships, reading them, noticing those two people related and analyzing how relationships are moulded.

I have always believed that I can live alone, and I mean it. I love meeting people, but all temporary. I want to be a vagabond. I want to see life. Find my questions, my answers, clear my confusions.I need change all the time. Does not sound as a virtue, but....and now I get it...I am confused because my deepest desire is something completely different to what I call my biggest wishes. My professional dream is my biggest wish, but my desire to travel, explore and discover is my dream. A dream I want to live. A dream which I am sure, many do dream, but most laugh it off. And the rest are intelligent pessimists, they know it is almost impossible. I am none of those. I am hopeful. I am dreamy. I liked two things in the movie - one, "When you are young, you think the possibilities are endless" and the last line "The fact is - Sanjay is dead, I survived and I am still looking for love." I strongly believe possibilities are endless despite your age,sex,caste,whatever. And I have survived so far, I have to live my dreams and look for answers, my questions. :-) Yes I am smiling. It may be one of the most random posts on my blog, but who cares? I? No! Anyone else? But, do I care about that? No!

People call me selfish, self centered self obsessed. I agree, but is it wrong? My relationships do get strained sometimes because of issues like these, but....aahhh...forget it! I want to move on...I don't want to look back and complaint how I have come so far without the most important people in my life not encouraging me, not having faith in me. Its okay, not their fault, not mine either. I am happy and they are beginning to believe my potential. Its not a low phase of my life, these are years when I am realizing so much, canvassing my life, my relationships, my love, my dreams. I am stepping forward everyday, but am still, why?where? these are questions that haunt my brain, answers..I should be quick to find them too. If from the begging to the end of the post I can find my questions; answers should be an easier and much more calmer task. I love you. (My you is for many people, including you and my life (myself too! ;)) I am not expressive. I want to hug you and tell you - I love you! You are the best that has happened to me. I thank God specially for having you in my life. mwwuuuuaaaah!!

I end this with a smile. Smile forever, it does help!

*I love my new Blah Anthem. :-)*

Chai Time Baqwaas

on Saturday, October 20, 2007

Enough of my come backs....I disappear and then all of a sudden wake up to realize 'Oh...I got a blog too!'...though mostly it is because I am busy, but I miss blog friends...their blog...everything!! :-( usual...I am writing on my blog after a long time, so ofcourse I am over excited and like always I HAVE to tell you, how in this absence I had so much to write on my blog but could not due to time constraints (read laziness).

So...finally to something extremely silly as it may seem, but what is it that has coaxed me enough to blog again? Well...stupid 10 day break which sounds only so boring that I could die....have lots of work...which still seems so less compared to the time I have. Anyway....blah blah blah... :P ..... So before I start off with my latest peaceful outing... I'de like to share some random silly thoughts that crossed my mind.

I am very serious about adding a label 'auto ride' to my blog because I travel for over one hour everyday in an auto and that is one time of the day when I find peace with myself....I think...observe...enjoy music...and relax...its 'my' time. Since I get so many random thoughts and interesting observations during that time, every time I write about that particular thought, I'll label it 'Auto Ride'...(Bela is so right....I am so random...I say and do anything...just out of the blue...huh...whatever) Apart from that...I am bored and I have forgotten all that I was about to blurt....oh yeaaah...wait wait....I am a happy person because I am concentrating on my work more than my grad...and I am loving each moment of it. And this brings me to my CHAI TIME!!

I had to write this article on chai wallahs and instead of first visiting the most famous SHARMA ki CHAI of the city, I visited Channilal ki Chai. God Damn!! Honestly, I am not a tea drinker as such (Kashmiri chai being an exception), but sometimes I like it. More than the tasty tea of Channilal (which, according to me is better than Sharma's) that I was served, it was the whole feeling of being there.

I mean...have you ever heard of a chauraha...a four way crossing, in one of the most posh areas of the city being named after a chai wallah? This was more because of his generosity than his tea speciality. Channilal Lodhi served tea and breakfast to government officals in 1972 during some strike which lasted for a good 62 days, for free. He had hundreds of officials coming every morning to his little tea stall, he ran into losses, but Channilal went on to form an unbreakable bond with his people. He still does, which has earned him a chauraha named after him. Though his tea stall has shifted from the CHANNILAL chauraha to a place more peaceful, just a few meters away.

Looking like a typical choti chai ki dukaan, with bun makkhan, samosas and bis-koot, sipping his tea sitting away from the hustle bustle of life, the traffic, away from life seems like the best thing to do after a stressful day. I have never enjoyed tea more than what I did yesterday. It was a peaceful moment. Everyone else feeling the same. I, being the only woman in that place, with a crowd that may not be what we would generally call 'educated and decent', and not even for a single moment did I have anyone staring at me, invade my privacy or make me feel uncomfortable.

Infact, when Channilal came to his shop, I was already sitting, sipping tea, reading and looking around, like time was all mine. His worker told him twice or thrice, 'yeh ayin hai aapse milne ke liye', but he just quietly sat, without coming into my notice and let me enjoy 'my' moment 'my' tea. Spending a few minutes talking to him made me realize how old shopkeepers, chai wallahs gain loyalty, its all because of their modesty, genuineness, love and dedication. How I wish we had some people like that still left in this world, or atleast come to my notice more often. The whole experience feels either like it was a dream or a trip to another planet. I may sound like I am exaggerating, but it was so different from my pre conceived notions of a chai stall. The peace, privacy, chai and relaxing 20 minutes spent there, were blissful. And when Channilal says the secret of his famous tea is just his love for people who come to his stall, and their love for him - you know it is, you know the secret ingredient is the love with which he makes his tea.

This also raises one more question in my mind, why is chai so important for people? Why are they so particular about 'their' tea? They seem to like just one kind of tea, slight difference in the taste of their tea, get ready to face that person's bad mood. Chai connect is funny, amuses me. But I think one more visit to that place and I'll join the 'amusing' league of people, sans the answer ofcourse. :-)