Reincarnation!

It feels like waking up from your grave. I am back on my Blog after some donkey years and it is feeling new. Earlier too, I tried writing but just did not get down to it. Life has been a mess. Changing academic streams. Changing cities. Adapting to the friggin city. Beggining to live on your own and all that. It can be quite a task. And while you are still adjusting, comes the disillusion and you start wondering out of restlessness what are you doing here? And why? Sometimes you are better off than the plan you have made for yourself. But aahh... forget it. It took me three full months of hibernation and shit loads of talking to get me out of the 'I am dropping out' phase.

I guess, it is all just new and I have to make my stand ONCE AGAIN, which took me two years to make in my city. Work needs to begin from scratch. I am trying, which is why I feel better, otherwise I was definitely quitting. :P But I am glad I have some of the best people around me to help me through this. I intend getting back to my blog and start posting like I used to too. So, maybe things will work out. Over the months, allot has happened and I am not even getting there. Infact, this post is boring the hell out of me. >>yyyaaawwnnn<< What a useless post this is. And I am writing this just for the heck of it. :P

Okay, so all I needed to do was, scribble here so that I get started. Now that I have bored myself and you (just incase anyone remembers this blog :P), I am done. I will be back soon to write properly, hopefully. :)

Take Care.

BISEXUAL LIONS!

Sorry Chhammiya! 'Bisexual Lions' came on my blog first... ;)

It is clearly the thing they call 'love'. Two weeks... not having met yet... and conversations that have gone from the deepest darkest secrets to as random as discussing my fantasy to marry a lion. It has not felt truer before. As the silly girl that I can be, I have all reasons to feel unsure and insecure about this, afterall we have not met and have only been intimate for about two weeks. It went fast but it was natural. It was something stronger from day one. I never thought I could feel so strongly for someone. This relationship has come as a surprise to me as well. I realized this last night when I was telling 'a friend' about him. He was nasty but it just made me feel more sure about what I was doing.

I admit, I was commitment phobic, was looking for 'that someone' whom I would never find because I never knew what I wanted, or maybe I just did not want anyone at all. He happened to me at the most unlikely unexpected time and that is what makes US more beautiful! I want to believe every word he says, when I take ages to trust people. I want to change myself sometimes and be more careful so that I do not hurt him ever, though I do not believe in changing and being intentionally careful with someone you love, but it just happens. I want to fight with him only to know what is a 'lovers fight' like. I want to sing songs with him and not just 'send files'. I want to walk a mile and convince him that 'I do eat proper food ya...'. I want to be with him and not with the 'bisexual lion' (well... the lion has to be bisexual so that my chammiya can seduce the lion and let him meet his 'itam' whenever he wants to, else the lion will have some nice feast no... ;)) I want to tell the world about him, because I am just "so sure".

I have always considered my blog my space, yet there always has been so much I have wanted to write about but never did cause I am not anonymous on my blog and did not want to open my life in front of the world. Until I realized it was time I get over it and say/write/express whatever I want to on MY blog. It is MY space, afterall. And there is nothing in my life that I am ashamed of, so why should I think twice before letting it out, even if the reader knows who I am or will eventually come to know who am I. This is probably the first post where I am openly sharing my personal life on this blog.

It has always been difficult to understand how most of us treat our blogs like personal journals. Maybe it is the choice of remaining anonymous about your identity in the virtual world. Yet again, when it comes to 'reality', we tend to say alot more and be our truer self with a stranger. I thought it was that 'feeling comfortable with a stranger' thing initially, between me and him, but when did it grow into something more beautiful, atleast I do not remember. Now, I wake up to his voice and go to sleep hesitantly because that would keep us away from each other for atleast five hours, yet together in thought, always. (yes! I do sound like a hopeless romantic right now!! :P)

Though it is not one of those 'I get butterflies in my stomach' kind of a feeling when I am with him in thoughts or phone or chat. It is just something so pure and strong that it makes you feel the same as an individual. There is just so much of 'something' happening in this post, that no wonder people give up trying to explain and keep it simple by saying 'its that 'something' they call 'love'' *blush* (LOL).

I want to write more but this seems to be the perfect end for this post, I guess. Also, it would be useless wasting my time trying to express my feelings for him, because it is now, I am getting how hard is it for people to put their feelings into words... I suppose this post was a challenge to the writer in me which I have terribly failed. I guess it happens when 'something' called love happens ;)

P.S. : I love you!

Confessions of a.....*confused brain*

Woke up in a weird mood. Its not for the first time I am in a mood like this, yet. Spoke to my best friend after ages last night, for long. We spoke about how happy we are in our own lives, not in touch with anyone but just living life the way we want to, and how much more satisfied we are, keeping the load and responsibilities away from ourselves. Also saw Dil, Dosti, etc (yeah...I really had nothing to do last night :P), nice concept but not made well, there could so much more done to that movie and it could be a hit. Anyway, the point is I feel confused. Many questions troubling my mind.

I know we all have these phases when we are confused, wonder what is the purpose of our lives? But, I thought I had discovered that. I thought I just wanted to be happy and spread positivity in people around me. I do that, but is that really the 'purpose' of my life? I know what I want from my personal life, my professional life - I am not confused about the general questions in life. Its something different. Its something that has been eating me all day. It is something that makes me want to leave everything and get away from life for sometime.

The last time I ever felt something like this, my friends called it 'depression' (I know its not that), just because I would switch off my phone for some days and not want to talk to or meet anyone. I don't feel the need of switching my phone off this time because I neither call nor get calls from my friends. Its not that what you may think...not in touch with friends thing. No...its not that. Its...its...I really want to figure out what?

I am not really feeling pessimistic. I am normal when it comes to work, etc. Its just that my mind is occupied with SOMETHING. What is that something? There are too any questions? Answers...I can not have them because I have no idea what questions haunt my brain. If only I could have someone who could read my mind. If only I had someone who would understand me with a blink of an eye. If only someone just kept a hand over my shoulder and said with true faith 'Do not fear! You will do it.' I have absolutely no idea, why I feel tears rolling down my eyes as I write this post and not feel weird about sharing it here, so openly.

Every relationship is so important in our life. From our parents, siblings, friends to even people who work for you. I honestly come across as someone who is not very emotionally attached to people, but these are things so personal that I do not discuss or share it with myself. I will not say I am always misunderstood, but it hurts when your loved ones and the ones whom you in the least expect to misunderstand your words, taking out different meanings out of it. No no...do not get ideas. No such particular incident is making me feel like this. Its all random. But it really hurts me when I see any kind of riff between any relationship. Happens with everyone and I feel happy about the fact that many of us are strong enough to get out of it. I am one of those. Never having very openly expressed, today I really want to admit, in my life, I have been affected by relationships. I have a strange fascination for understanding relationships, reading them, noticing those two people related and analyzing how relationships are moulded.

I have always believed that I can live alone, and I mean it. I love meeting people, but all temporary. I want to be a vagabond. I want to see life. Find my questions, my answers, clear my confusions.I need change all the time. Does not sound as a virtue, but....and now I get it...I am confused because my deepest desire is something completely different to what I call my biggest wishes. My professional dream is my biggest wish, but my desire to travel, explore and discover is my dream. A dream I want to live. A dream which I am sure, many do dream, but most laugh it off. And the rest are intelligent pessimists, they know it is almost impossible. I am none of those. I am hopeful. I am dreamy. I liked two things in the movie - one, "When you are young, you think the possibilities are endless" and the last line "The fact is - Sanjay is dead, I survived and I am still looking for love." I strongly believe possibilities are endless despite your age,sex,caste,whatever. And I have survived so far, I have to live my dreams and look for answers, my questions. :-) Yes I am smiling. It may be one of the most random posts on my blog, but who cares? I? No! Anyone else? But, do I care about that? No!

People call me selfish, self centered self obsessed. I agree, but is it wrong? My relationships do get strained sometimes because of issues like these, but....aahhh...forget it! I want to move on...I don't want to look back and complaint how I have come so far without the most important people in my life not encouraging me, not having faith in me. Its okay, not their fault, not mine either. I am happy and they are beginning to believe my potential. Its not a low phase of my life, these are years when I am realizing so much, canvassing my life, my relationships, my love, my dreams. I am stepping forward everyday, but am still, why?where? these are questions that haunt my brain, answers..I should be quick to find them too. If from the begging to the end of the post I can find my questions; answers should be an easier and much more calmer task. I love you. (My you is for many people, including you and my life (myself too! ;)) I am not expressive. I want to hug you and tell you - I love you! You are the best that has happened to me. I thank God specially for having you in my life. mwwuuuuaaaah!!

I end this with a smile. Smile forever, it does help!

*I love my new Blah Anthem. :-)*

Tagged...!!

Okay...so I was avoiding this for some time, but Daman..here you go..finally taken your tag!!

8 frigging things about ME!! This is tough...but I'll try...

hhhmmm...

1) I hate doing this, infact I hate the question itself 'so..tell me something about yourself'...what the hell am I suppose to tell anyone about myself...I really think its a DUMB question...!!

2) I am an extremely closed person...though I am like all 'one should express oneself all the time' and blah blah blah and yes I do scream and shout when I see something going wrong around me. But, when it comes to my personal relationships, I am not very expressive and also am not very easily able to share my personal feelings and emotions with even the 'closest' person in my life.

3) I love arguements...well not literally....as in meaningful discussions...simply love talking about my thoughts and opinions about a particular thing and have others talk about it too...(one reason why I simply love blogging).

4) I have had only one SINGLE crush till date, which lasted for about four months or something, untill I told my best friend about it (and I told her when we came to know he liked her and she liked his best friend...lol(how filmy is dat!!) :P)

5) Because of the above point, my friends and now even my family suspects that I am probably a Lesbian (lol), had to really explain them...I AM STRAIGHT!! (but my friend still thinks, if not a Homosexual, I must be an Asexual then, which I deny all the time despite feeling the same sometimes :P )

6) I am SHOCKED to see my will power these days. There is tasty food around me and I am NOT cheating!!

7) If, while talking to someone, that person says something really dumb or stupid, I find it beyond me to carry on that conversation. Just change the topic and I will still, probably be disinterested. Atleast I won't be all silent.

8) Oh freak!! This one time as a kid, must be 10 or 11, I was bored so called on the random number, like a blank call, and these people on the other line started taking someone's name - as if expecting that person is giving them blank calls. I hung up and then that person called back (caller I.D.s...ggrrr!!). My sister answered and since she did not know what I had done, she was like 'no noone called'. Now, came the worst part, next day this man comes to my house!! (Fudge!! I so hate caller i.d.s!! :X ) and I was all alone, so I like 'stupid babies' started crying and told him I was playing and he was like 'Oh its okay Beta' and left. When Mom and Baji were back, told them the whole thing and that man called again!! huh....and then we came to know that his younger brother actually ran away from the house and that is the reason why they got so worried thinking that it was probably him who was calling!! >>phew<< And yes I swore not to play pranks like these EVER!!(you all do the same, if in case anyone reading this is as stupid as me :P)

Alas!! I am done with MY TAG!! :D And I must admit that I took allot of time to think each point ( told you!! I can never write about myself!!), but I enjoyed sharing it with all of you. Hope I did not bore you and even if I did, you would not be reading this :P .

So...my turn to tag 8 more people...I am sure, most have been tagged already...but anyway...TAKE MY TAG!! Here goes my list...
Tuhin
Ainz
Dimple
Neo
Prince Kazarelth
Nikhil
Harshall
Stoned Grey
*Evil Laughter* ha ha ha ha ha !! Now..lets see...how easy is it for you guys to 'so...tell me something about yourself :P' 8 points!!

Happy TagginG!!

RocK oN!!

Love hugs and kisses to all!!

I AM ALIVEEEE....but YELLOW!!

Alright I know I have been away for over two months now, but that does not mean I am dead. I am very much alive, if only JAUNDICE does not decide to kill me!!

Not like I was toooo busy, but somehow could not take out time for my blog, okay I am horrible, selfish, mean..blah blah blah...okay now shut up and listen!! ( I know I don't talk like this..telling you..its all because of the frigging 'peelya' (yeah...that's what its called in hindi/urdu))

So...firstly SORRY for being away for so long, neither writing nor visiting any blogs. Secondly...jaundice is taking a toll over my brain because of which I for the first time chose to write about MYSELF on my blog.

There was allot that I saw, noticed, realized and wanted to write about...be it about family weddings or strange kids acting too smart...huh...but today I want to vent out my frustrations...my deepest desire on my blog. All I can think about, dream about, see around me, smell around me feel around and the ONLY craving since the past fifteen days is FOR FOOD!! (just told you...jaundice is taking its toll :p )

I am dying to have chicken nuggets...I can actually feel its taste in my mouth, but sadly can not eat ANYTHING for the next two months at least and NO NON VEG for the next 6 fucking months!! And people expect me not to want to have 'samosas' in this rainy season. GOD DAMN IT!! "What is going wrong with you?? You were never so fond of samosas?', questions my mother, and all I can do is lying on my bed, is give her the look that says 'does it matter? I cant eat it anyway, right??'

And to top it all, my Uncle is coming from Sharjah, and I so badly want to ask him to get me 'shawarmas' (it is a Lebanese dish/snack...whatever), but ha ha...can I? NO!! Oh...my college is also re opening next week, and the ONLY reason I survive in that sickening college is because you get awesome food in the canteen, but then yeaaaah...shit happens...:X!! And if you thought, my unfulfilled cravings is the only reason why I crib, how about having your birthday in some days and NOT BEING ABLE TO PARTY!!gggrrrr......

My food cravings are endless...can go on forever. But I hope, that this outrage may help in making me feel any better and little less restless and hungry and greedy for wontons, rajma chawal (kidney beans with rice), kebabs, sheermal, wine, and yes I can still go on....

I have always loved fresh juices, but not anymore, have had enough for the next two lives!! Though, I do get to automatically lose weight, can say 'I am on a detoxifying period' etc etc...but GUYS...FOOD IS FOOD!! isn't it?

I hope and pray with a true heart today, that no one, should ever ever ever get jaundice! JAUNDICE IS FATAL - NOT EATING WHAT YOU WANT, KILLS!!